


Dug, Dog, and Dads

by jimmyjanejams



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bisexual Remus Lupin, F/F, F/M, Happy Ending, M/M, POV Remus Lupin, Raising Harry Potter, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-18 05:20:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 27,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29484345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jimmyjanejams/pseuds/jimmyjanejams
Summary: A raising Harry AU. Remus takes a two year old Harry in and attempts to put a life together for them. Harry has a stuffed black dog that he loves. Remus really wants to hate it. Harry and Remus have a life, they have friends, they have each other. But something is missing.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 9
Kudos: 41





	1. Two

Remus Lupin had never known James as a baby. They had met at 11, James had already been an energetic boy bouncing around and laughing loudly by then. But if Remus had to picture James as a baby it would be this. A little pudgy with round glowing cheeks and tuff of dark hair. But it was the one difference that Remus couldn't take his eyes off of. It spiraled white across the brown skin on his forehead. A lighten bolt scar. 

"Mr.Lupin" Mcgonagall's voice broke him out of his trance and he looked up to meet her eye line. Harry sat on her lap, his arms swinging at his side. Despite Mcgonagall having spent much of her life as a teacher, she looked quite out of place with a baby on her lap. It was odd because she was maternal. Maternal in ferocity and caring, much like Lily had been. Remus had seen her fight for her students, even a group of misfits with scars, tempers, and a lot of detentions. But Harry looked out of place in her arms, like he should exist in a different reality. 

Lupin's own mother had been short and sweet. A muggle whose world had revolved around taking care of a werewolf. She'd always smelt like something warm, and Remus wasn't sure how since warm wasn't a smell. She would have loved to hold baby Harry. 

Hope had been too good for Remus as a mother, and too good for Lyall as a wife. As it turned out she'd been too good for the world. At least that's what Remus told himself.

"Mr.Lupin" Her tone was more annoyed now. But Remus couldn't help it. His whole life had retreated into his mind since Halloween. Focusing on conversation was hard. Not reaching down and grabbing the bottle of firewhiskey that lay next to the couch was hard. Looking at Harry was the hardest. 

"I'm sorry Professor" Remus said his voice rough from lack of use. "I am listening."

"Yes you always were listening" She said smiling fondly but Remus couldn't return it. 

"What happened to Lily's sister?" Remus asked. He had only met her once. She hadn't been at the wedding, or any of the drop off at platform 9 3/4, or any of the good days. She had been at the funeral. Remus never would have known her to be Lily's sister if she hadn't been holding Harry. Lily Evans had been strikingly beautiful. Her Auburn hair would catch the sun, her large green eyes would glistened, she would smile and anyone would be done for. Petunia Evans (though Remus was pretty sure she didn’t go by her maiden name anymore) had looked like she rarely smiled. She was slim and severe and Remus had shivered at the thought of Harry being raised by her. Remus had spent most of the funeral wondering if he should go over to Harry to say Goodbye. He hadn't got to say goodbye to Lily, James, Peter, or  _ him,  _ but maybe he could wish Harry a goodbye. 

In the end he didn’t. He couldn’t. He was racked with guilt and he didn’t deserve closure. 

“She’s a nightmare. I knew she was when Albus dropped him off. But he wouldn’t let me intervene then. I came back today. Just to check on the child” 

“Harry. The child is Harry” 

“Yes, Harry.” Her face softens a little, seeming a tad hopeful. “They were being awful. Ignoring him completely. They have their own son. Harry’s age. Who they spoil. She coos at him all day while just ignoring Harry’s cries. He” She slowed down a little as if worried she’d set Remus off. “He doesn’t even have a room, he slept in a cupboard under the stairs.” 

Remus’ mind flashed to Harry’s nursery. His first one before they all went into hiding. It had been bathed in sun, warm, bright, all the things a nursery should be. James, Remus, and _him_ had painted it together. Lily had been too pregnant and sat in a rocking chair telling them all the ways they were fucking it up. And when they were done Remus and _him_ had surveyed the room and watched as Lily and James shared a kiss over the crib that would soon hold their child. _He_ had whispered to Remus “this child might be the most loved child in the world.”

Remus wondered if _he_ had already been betraying them then. With a hand on Remus’ waist and a proclaimed love for a child who hadn’t been born yet. 

“Dumbledore told me he had to stay with Lily’s family. Blood magic.” Remus said. He hadn’t offered to take Harry after Lily and James died. He knew he could never do it. A werewolf probably an alcoholic at this point raising the baby that James and Lily treated like the sun. He could never live up to that. But Dumbledore had offered the information up. 

“Yes. It is old magic, some of the most powerful and the trickiest to understand. I’ll be the first to admit I don’t fully understand it.” It made Remus feel like a school boy again because his immediate response was to be amazed his professor didn’t know something. “But Harry would not have to live there full time. A couple weeks a year should do.” 

“Well that is good” Remus said genuinely “And I am sure there are plenty of people who would happily take him in. Wizards who aren’t werewolves. Wizards who can give him a proper home.” 

He was ashamed to have Mcgonagall in his flat. It was disgusting. It had cost him almost everything he had but he couldn’t live in the flat he shared with _him_. So 6 months ago he moved into the shitest apartment in the worst neighbour in London. He’d got the couch Mcgonagall's and Harry were on at a charity shop and he hadn't figured out if it had bedbugs. The chair he was perched on was from the side of the street. The rest of the house was unfurnished besides a feeble mattress on the floor of the bedroom. The fridge didn’t have food and the liquor cabinet had taken over every surface of the flat but most of them were empty. This was no place for a child. 

This was no place for Harry. 

“He needs you”

Blunt and untrue. 

“No one needs me” 

“You are all he has left Remus.” 

“Then he has nothing left. Worse than nothing. He has a hellhole with a monster inside it.” Remus almost spat. Anger was starting to burn Remus. It was a familiar feeling at this point. Mostly directed at _him_. But sometimes Remus would curse himself for not noticing.

“You are right.” She said “This is a hellhole, and no place for a child. And it is no place for you either. In fact I think we should burn it.” 

“Why not just give him to the Weasley's or you take him back to Hogwarts or anywhere.” Remus said “Give him to anyone else.” 

He was begging now. He felt like he had too. For Harry’s sake. Beg for him to have the best home and the happiest family he could. The best chance. Tears burned his eyes threatening to do the only thing left that would embarrass him more. He itched for the bottle so close to his fingers. But for the first time in months he was able to repress it. 

“He needs you Mr.Lupin and you need him” She paused for a moment “It is what Lilly and James would have wanted.”

“”It is his second birthday and I don’t have a gift or a cake.” Remus said dejectedly. In the weeks prior he thought about it often. Imagined the party Lily and James would have thrown if they were here. How _he_ would try and top the broom he got for Harry for his first birthday. What Harry's Aunt and Uncle were doing for his birthday this year. 

“Then I think you know what can give him”   
  


~~~

“You can call me Moony I guess. If you don’t no one else ever will. And I like being Moony”

Harry’s hand found a perch in his hair. HIs little finger tangled between the strands. 

“It was your Dad who named me Moony. I was friends with your Dad and he was” 

Harry's eyes shone. Was he a baby anymore at two. Lily would say he would always be her baby. 

“Well he was brilliant. He made friends with the strangest people. But that's because he was kind and joyuos. I hope you get that from him.”

Harry began to pull slightly at Remus’ hair but he didn’t mind. 

“ And from your Mum I hope you get... Well everything. She was  confounding. Truly just a universe in and of herself. She knew you just by looking at you. When she understood people she cared for them. And when cared for you she would destroy worlds for you.”

Harry’s eyes seemed to closing, head nodding forward against Remus’ chest. 

“But I guess you would know that.” 

Remus let his finger trace briefly over the scar across Harry’s forehead. He leaned back against the couch so as to make sure he had a proper hold of Harry and he could stay like that for hours. There was no bed good enough for Harry in this flat. 

“Goodnight Harry. And Happy Birthday.” 

~~~

Selling the flat turned out to be easier than Remus had thought. It didn’t get him much money but the fact anyone would pay money for the decrepit life less one bedroom amazed him. 

It was finding a place to live that was difficult. Remus’ didn’t want to live among wizards. Partly for Harry’s safety and sanity. Remus knew too well what it was like to be leered at for a scar. He would do his best to shield Harry from that. But also partly for his own safety and sanity. Meeting anyone from his old life was a nightmare. He would either be met with gut churning pity as people whisper about how that was the Potter’s friend. Or he would be met with fear as people glared at the man who had lived with _him_. 

He had an image in his mind. A cottage, ivy on the wall, flowers in the front. Small. Definitely small. Him and Harry didn’t need a lot of room. Two bedrooms, and Harry’s would have big windows for him to look out. A living room with a fireplace. Not for the flu network, but for warm crackling fires. Harry might be too young now for him to be lighting fires now. He was starting to walk stumbling from place to place while laughing at Remus. But one day him and Harry might sit around it in the winter, maybe he’d like it when Remus read him stories. He certainly hoped so. 

However his finances and his imagination were not on the same page.  Mcgonagall gave Remus the key to Harry’ s vault at Gringotts. But Remus promised himself and Harry that he would not spend any of Harry’s money if it was not necessary. And he couldn’t work. He’d run a budget on it. He couldn’t make much money. He’d didn’t have a muggle education. And even if he did he would need to take full moons off. Finding good and safe childcare for Harry would cost more than he could make. But he didn’t mind. He wasn’t sure how he’d feel leaving Harry to go to work each day. But it did mean they would have a take a less lovely house. But maybe they could fix one up together. 

“Do you like it Harry?” Remus said as he walked with Harry in his arms through the house one more time. “It isn’t prefect.”

At that moment a mouse ran across the hallway. He thought briefly of Peter but then Harry squirmed in his arms and he snapped back. 

“It will take awhile for us to fix it up, since we are doing it sans magic. But i bet we can do it. We will need to rebrick the fireplace, and the roof needs to be thatched again. A fresh coat of paint for the whole house is a good idea. Any preference for your room Harry?”

Harry mumbled a little spit slipping from his mouth. Remus chuckled. Taken a back at his ability to laugh. 

“How about light blue? And we will hang lots of pictures, and fill it up with toys and books.” Remus looked in at the room that would be Harry’s. It had wall paper slowing peeling away, drapes that fell from the window, and carpet that Remus assumed was the cause of the musty smell. “We will make it beautiful.”

“And do you want to know the best part Harry” Remus said walking them across the room and letting Harry stand on the window sill with a tight grip around his middle so he wouldn’t fall. Harry bounced placing his hand on the window. “The best part is we can see the ocean. I always dreamed of living by the sea.” 

We his brain mumbled we always dreamed of living by the sea. It was what we talked about laying next to each other after a hard day of the war. _He_ would press his nose into the space under Remus’ ear and whisper about the home and life they might one day have. “And a dog Moony. We will have a beautiful big dog for walks along the shoreline. Our own dog to take care of.” Remus would laugh “I already have a dog to take care of” “Yes and he needs a friend.” 

Harry smacked his hand against the glass of the window. “It is called Corner Cottage. I don’t know why, but there is a sign. And it is ours now. Corner Cottage is home now.”

~~~

Remus wasn’t sure why he assumed she would be an old lady. Maybe it was because he assumed an old ladies would be the ones to offer to take care of a baby once a month so his caregiver could rip his flesh off. But when a stunning young women answered the door he was taken aback. She was short, very short with long box braids thrown up in a bun. It was odd to have someone young and beautiful smiling at him. It felt like something that use to be apart of his life but not any more. 

“Hiya! You must be Remus.” She said ushering them inside quickly but with a smile “And you must be Harry.”

She grinned as she said it ducking down to look at Harry who laughed, like he always did. 

“Tea is already in the pot. Come sit” She lead them through to the living and Remus suddenly became aware that he hadn’t even said hello. Was it too late now? He followed her through to living room struggling to carry Harry and his bag full of Harry’s things. 

“Thank you so much for doing this Madelyn.” Remus said sitting down and placing Harry on the floor between his knees. Harry couldn’t take more than a few steps but he still love to stand on his legs wiggling around. 

“Oh of course Aunt Minnie would call me Madelyn. No one calls me Madelyn. Mads is fine.” She said disappearing into what Remus assumed was the kitchen. Aunt Minnie, Remus smiled a little at that. Mcgonagall was the only Witch or Wizard Remus had any contact with. She had helped Remus place the magical protections around Corner Cottage. She had wanted Mad Eye to come but the idea made Remus’ skin crawl. Mad Eye had grilled him for hours to try to figure out if Remus was working with _him_. He’d been shaking by the end, body and mind exhausted, grief making him angry.

“I didn’t know!” He yelled “I was naive and in love and an idiot. Maybe you should send me to Azkban for that. Feel free to. Kill me if you want. I should die because I didn’t think anything of him getting shifty towards the end. I should have known when he put pillows between us in bed. I should have known when he stopped kissing me goodbye. I should have known when he couldn’t say it back anymore. But I didn’t. I never thought he would do that. I could have never thought he’d hurt James and Lily.” 

Originally he had asked Mcgonagall to watch Harry during full moons. But she said it wouldn’t be practical. What if there she was needed by the Gryffindors. So she had found someone to do it. Remus’ didn’t get a lot of details only that she was good with kids, comfortable with the situation, and her name, Madelyn Blanchet. 

Her apartment was small, but nice. The walls were lined with photographs. Mostly magic ones of groups of people smiling and waving. A cream colour carpet covered most of the living room and Remus thought that Harry would probably love to crawl around on the fluffy fabric. 

“Well, thank you, Mads.” Remus said smiling as he took a cup of tea from her careful not to hold it over Harry. He didn’t want to burn him. She’d made it just how he liked it. Milk no sugar. He found himself staring at it looking at warm brown liquid and steam spiralling up. The nerves made eye contact seem too intimate. 

“It is no problem. Happy to help, he seems like a sweetie” There was something peculiar about her accent her words lilted slightly sounding like a gently lul. 

“Yes he is. And I think he’ll be tuckered out. We took the train here and Harry was very excited about it”

At the mention of a train Harry made a garbled noise that Remus assumed was his impersonation of the train and both the adults laughed. It relaxed Remus slightly and for about the 100th time since he got Harry he felt grateful for the little boy’s joy. 

“So he’ll probably get to sleep early. And I should be back shortly after sunrise in the morning.” Remus said. On one hand he felt awful and guilty leaving Harry behind. There was no other options but not knowing Harry was okay for hours worried him endlessly. On the other though he was longing to go. His skin felt hot and his stomach uneasy. The wolf in him was restless, desperate to be running and howling again. 

“Don’t rush” She said smiling kindly “Did Aunty Minnie tell you I’m a healer so if he you have any wounds that need caring for, I’d be happy to help.”

“No” Remus said surprised “She didn’t tell me, but thank you. I umm I don’t have any money.”

She scoffed waving her hand in the air “No payment necessary. A favour for Minnie and a chance to break out all my old children’s books.”

Remus’ stayed for another half an hour. He talked through Harry’s nighttime routine, what to do if he fussed, how he liked to woken up in the morning. Remus’ amazed himself with how much he knew about Harry, how quickly he had gotten used to taking care of the boy. Mads smiled the whole time nodding along and asking questions when they arose. Her attitude and kindness softened the hard edges of Remus’ anxiety. 

“Okay Harry” Remus said lifting him properly into his arms. “I’ll be back in the morning. You’ve got toys and books and Mads has made you a lovely cozy bed. She is going to take good care of you.” The words I love you pushed into his mind, he knew he should say it. Mads was expecting and even if Harry wouldn’t understand it he deserved it. But _he_ was the last person Remus had said those words to. And he wasn’t sure he could say them again. Even if he did feel it bubbling in his chest. “Bye Harry”

  
  


~~~ 

Harry’s first word was beam. At least Remus assumed it was his first word because for the first two months Remus had him he hadn’t done anything more than grumble. But Remus would talk to him all day as he fixed up the house. He had to replace a beam in the living room. Harry watched from his playpen in the middle of the floor. Periodically making silly noises or throwing a toy. And when Remus climbed down the ladder he picked Harry up, swinging him slightly to make him laugh. 

“Looks good huh Harry?” He had asked pointing up at the new dark beam scratch against the white of the ceiling. 

“Beam” His finger pointing up at the ceiling. 

Remus had broke out in a loud happy laugh. The kind of laugh that filled the room. The kind he had been so used to a couple years ago. The kind he thought he would never hear again. 

“Yes Harry” He said, placing a kiss on the top of his head “That is a beam.” 

~~~ 

It wasn’t easy. Remus was far from a natural caregiver. He panicked every time Harry stumbled, or cried. He got frustrated with diapers and found himself going insane with how repetitive children's books were. 

He read a bunch of parenting books he’d bought from the book shop in the nearby muggle village. He studied them, like he did for his NEWT’s taking notes, drawing diagrams, and even a couple flashcards. He had a small table set up by the window that was covered in all of it. Every night after Harry was tucked into bed he poured over them. Every morning he woke up and it was still there, very unlike his NEWT’s notes which were always gone when he woke up. He would find them under Peter’s pillow or in James’ book bag. 

Being Harry’s caregiver it turned out was more like the war than the NEWT’s. Because it wasn’t how much you knew, it was a combination of random chance and guts. Remus wondered if _he_ would be better at this like _he_ had been better at war. _He_ was good at anything that took gut instincts and heart, and HIS charisma could make you believe _he_ had random chance on _his_ side. That was what Harry needed.

Still, much like the war, Remus wouldn’t let himself give up. He wouldn’t lose his temper or become impatient. He would ask himself what James would do. 

Harry began to walk, and very quickly that escalated to running. James would have ran around with him. Chased him along the sea side making him laugh. Remus’ body was a constant aching mess that often prevented him from doing this but he tried his best. He mostly let Harry run free around their small garden. He didn’t mind the English rain that pelted them most days and nether did Harry. In fact he had quite a fondness for puddles. Not a single puddle could be left without being jumped in. And every puddle was as amusing to Harry as the one before. 

He also began to talk more and more with each passing day, Not quiet full sentences yet but he would raise his arms and say “up” when he wanted Remus to lift him. He would point at the fridge and go “nums” if he wanted food. And when he would wake up in the night and need Remus he would call “moo”. And Remus both loved watching him grow and never wanted him to be able to fully pronounce Moony. 

~~~

Christmas was a hard day. Remus knew he should do something but he wanted to keep it small. Harry would never remember it anyways. He got him a few gifts. Some new clothes which he desperately needed, a potty which Remus had decided was their new years resolution, and a few toys. He couldn’t be bothered to haul a tree up from the village so instead he cut a branch off a nearby spruce which hung limply off the half rebricked fireplace with a couple ornaments . 

The house was still a mess. Slightly cleaner and safer but still broken down. Remus had no training in construction. But he didn’t mind the work. It was nice to be doing something with his hands. Letting his mind focus on one step after the other. Harry’s bedroom was done. It wasn’t as nice as the one he had with Lily and James, nothing would ever be as nice as it was with Lily and James. But it had toys, books, colour, life. It was a home for a toddler, and Remus was pretty proud of that. The living room was half done, he wanted to put in new windows, and take out the faded gross carpet, but it was certainly nicer than it had been. The kitchen was functional but not beautiful and so was the bathroom. But he would get it done and by the time Harry had proper memories this would place would be a welcoming home for him. 

Remus woke up before Harry on Christmas day. Harry had fallen asleep in Remus’ bed on Christmas Eve after having heard the Night Before Christmas twice. As he lay in bed he could hear the rain slashing against the windows and internally groaned thinking about the leek in the ceiling he had yet to fix. Harry’s eyes fluttered open and he smiled sleepily, hair ruffled, features soft.

“Mooy” He said. Harry had managed to get a y on the end but still struggled with the n sound. 

“Morning lad” Remus replied, stretching slightly. It had been a full moon three days ago and despite Mads amazing ability to fix Remus’ broken bones he still felt achy. “Lets go get some breakfast, and then some presents.”

Every part of the day was a reminder to Remus of how much better off Harry could be. They had slightly burnt toast with runny eggs for breakfast. Lily didn’t cook much but she would have made sure Harry had a buffet of sweet treats and savoury delights on Christmas morning. He put on some Christmas music watching Harry dance to a muggle song Last Christmas. James would have danced with Harry swinging him around in the air making him giggle. But the lyrics were too painful for Remus. He wouldn’t let himself focus on Christmas’ past. He took Harry out on a walk along the shoreline in the cold. He took a picture of Harry bundled in a scarf and hat laughing at the wind which was attempting to blow him away. It was a muggle camera and he would have to wait to see the photo and it would be one of few he remembered to take. Peter had always loved taking wizard photos. He said he liked to have proof their adventures had happened. He would have taken 100s of photos of young Harry, they would have spilled out of photo albums, and lined the walls. He would have captured Harry’s Christmas so much better. Harry opened the small packages he got from Remus without super understanding what they were but laughed nonetheless. _He_ would have gotten Harry so many presents, more than anyone child could ever need. The floor would have been littered with colourful wrapping paper, and Harry would have gotten lost in a pile of toys. 

Harry had a fit. His fists pounded against the floor, and he sobbed. A part of Remus ached for him, knowing all too well what it was like to loose the battle with ones emotions. Another knew full well Harry was a toddler and they had tantrums. All Remus wanted was for Harry to eat his veggies, he hadn’t any all day. But Harry flipped the plate and ran away with firey tears in his eyes. 

“Come on Harry” Remus said when he found Harry hiding crouched in the shower, the water off “Let’s just get ready for bed.”

“No veggies,” Harry said, his bottom lip sticking out. 

“Just this once” Remus resigned.

He pulled out the photo album, once Harry was changed for bed. It was the one promise he made to himself. Harry would know James and Lily. He would hear their stories and know their faces. No matter how painful it was for Remus.

Harry was cuddled beneath his blue duvet covered with large white clouds. He was clearly tried and uncharastically quiet as Remus laid on the bed next to him. Harry quickly and silently cuddled next to Remus and the warmth of his small frame was comforting, beautiful, and painful. All the anger of a couple moments ago seemed to be gone. That was the beauty of children; they didn’t hold grudges. 

He was usually excited when Remus pulled out the photo album because he loved the moving photographs, it was the only magic he ever saw. But now he was just quiet as Remus’ flipped open the leather bound book.

“Oh see this one Harry” He said point at a photo of James, Remus, and _him_. Laughing in the snow on the Hogwarts grounds. James in the photo was laughing and shaking the snow out of his face. “This was Christmas, our sixth year of school. We stayed at school that year not your Mum, but me and your Dad did cause I wasn’t umm feeling well” There had been a full Moon on boxing day. “And it was beautiful. We had the whole school to ourselves.” 

There was an empty spot next to the photo which use to hold a photo of just Remus and _him_. It had been the same Christmas and while the photo looked innocent he knew it wasn’t. Remus was sitting on the floor back to the fire, letting it warm him gently, while _he_ had stretched out on the floor next to him, feet pushing on to Remus' lap. _He_ was grinning as he always was, having just said something to make Remus blush. Remus had removed as many photos of _him_ as he could but it was impossible to remove them all and still have enough photos to show Harry. Just like it was impossible to show Harry his Dad or Remus without showing _him_. They were all so intertwined. 

Currently all the discarded photos lay in a box in the small dingy attic. Waiting for Remus to get strong enough to destroy them.

“Let’s find a good one of Mum, hey Harry?” Remus said snapping himself away from his thoughts. He flipped a little farther back in the book to a time when James and Lily were together. “Doesn’t Mum look pretty here”

She was dancing, not with James but _him_. Twirling in a circle her wedding dress flowing around in the picture. To anyone it would look like _him_ and Lily had just been married. Her in a white dress, _him_ in black dress robes. But _he_ had merely insisted on showing Lily that one could dance with stepping on Lily’s toes the whole time. 

The last picture he showed Harry that night was also the last picture that had ever been taken of all of them. A Marauders family dinner, which had once been weekly but as war took something had to give, so they became monthly or less. Remus’ couldn’t remember much of the specific of that night. At the time it seem ordinary, boring even. The only exciting part had been Harry, who was only a few weeks old and cradled in _his_ arms. Even Peter was in this photo, he looked more stressed and lined than Remus remembered him but smiling all the same. 

“That is me, and there” He ghosted quickly over where a younger Remus was peaking over _his_ shoulders to get a look at baby Harry, and moved to Lily and James standing intertwined by a warm fire. “That is Mum and Dad” 

“Um” A sleepy Harry said placing his small finger over Lily. Remus’ heart either soar or broke he couldn’t tell. “Da” 

“Yes” Was all he muttered, then Harry’s finger moved 

“Mooy”

After Harry was asleep, Remus snuck out his room. Soon Harry would start asking about the strange raven hair man with the steely grey eyes. He didn’t know what to tell him. 

He itched to drink, or smoke, or fuck. He itched to escape his skin and mind for a moment. Instead though he made a cup of tea and sat on the breaking down porch outside. He tried to let the sea air calm him, he tried to the let the sound of church bells from the village calm him, he tried to let the taste of slightly milky tea calm him. 

What was he doing? 

  
  


~~~

God, why did it have to be a dog. 

Harry was rarely begging for new toys.But one cold February Sunday Remus took Harry to a toy shop in the village on their way to the grocery store. It was small but packed with teddy bears, toy cars, and doll houses. 

“Okay Harry. Anything you would like?” He whispered as they strolled between the shelfs. 

“Let me know if you need help darlings” said a voice from behind the shelfs. It was Barbara, one half of the kindly old couple that owned the store. Kindly and old would be the best words to describe most of the residences of the village. Retired folks living the dream of life by the sea for their final years. They were all interested in the strange scarred twenty-two year old, and the small boy who moved into a house no one seemed to be able to find. This was of course due to the incantments making the house unplotable. But inspite of the mystery they all adored Harry, and he never made it to and from the village without a pocket full of sweets and a kiss on the cheek. 

“Thank you” Remus called back, placing Harry on the ground and letting him wander on his shaky legs up and down the aisle. “Oh Harry how about a train set?” He picked up a scarlet train engine thinking of the Hogwarts express, but when he turned around to show Harry the boy had something clutched in his hand.

“Dug” He said, holding up a stuffed black dog that for a moment shook Remus’ world. 

“Yes Harry that is a dog” He tried to keep himself steady watching Harry cuddle the dog. It wasn’t big but in Harry’s small frame it looked massive. He remembered Lily calling out with a laugh in her voice “Pads be careful with my son! He is the only one I got.” As a black dog played with an even smaller Harry. 

“Dug” Harry said again clutching the dog against his chest tightly “Dug Coror”

Remus knew what he meant. He wanted to bring the dog to Corner Cottage. 

“Look” Remus tried pulling an elephant and an octopus stuffed animal off the shelf “How about these Harry. So colourful.” 

But Harry was too pre-occupied with the dog. He was petting the fur gently now and holding it up close to his face. It was with a warmth and reverence Harry treated the toy. 

“Okay” Remus sighed picking Harry up the dog still in his hands, but he grabbed the trainset as well. “We can bring the dog to Corner Cottage.”

He walked them over the counter gently placing Harry down on top. His legs swung and Remus let Harry press the small bell which let out a jingle. 

“Hello Boys” It was Alfie now the other half of the power couple which ran the shop “What are we getting today?”

He wore a very colourful striped sweater, and small slanted glasses. The smell of tobacco followed were he went which brought Remus back to _him_ for a minute. Remus had to quit smoking because the smell was too familiar and he hated it. There were too many links to nights hanging out the dormitory window, or laying on the couch in their apartment. A familiarity which was now painful. 

“Dug!” Harry exclaimed holding the dog for Alfie to see. 

“Good choice lad” He said smiling kindly “Got my granddaughter one of em only a couple weeks back. What you going to name ‘im?”

Harry just looked confused tucking the dog back against his chest “Dug?”

Alfie laughed good naturedly. “Dug it is then.”

~~~

“Fancy splitting a pint?” Mads asked. She looked so out of place in the village. Her youthful energy and good looks, clashed with the history and tranquil atmosphere. They sat outside in the only pub / restaurant and took advantage of the unseasonable warm and dry March. 

“No. I think I’ll stick with water for today.” Remus said trying to keep his voice nonchalant. “But go ahead if you’d like.”

Lunch had been Mads idea. Any fun idea in Remus and Harry’s life seemed to be Mad's idea. She had brought an energy that had been missing from their quiet but sometimes a little boring existence. Harry adored her and began to look forward to Aunty Mads days as much as Remus dreaded the full moon. But Remus did find himself arriving at her flat earlier and earlier each month so as to have a chance to chat for a while before he apparated far far away. Then she offered for him to spend the day sleeping off the moon in her warm clean bed, surrounded by scented candles and the sound of Harry and Mads playing in the room over. She finally suggested that they spend some time together “you know when you don’t have any broken bones”

She mostly came to them because taking Harry up to her in Exter was quite the feet. But she would come around and they’d walk through the village and she would suggest they get ice cream or would take Harry on her shoulders and run. She made them both laugh. 

“No I won’t if you aren’t, I am not big on muggle beer.” She said far too loudly but luckily no one would know what she meant. “How about you Harry?” 

Harry was sitting in a high chair, feet kicking out a little while he scribbled with some crayons. He looked up at his name but instead of saying anything he just made a fart noise with his mouth. 

“Good on ya Harry” Remus said with a laugh ruffling his hair a little “Say that whenever anyone offers you beer especially Aunty Mads.” 

“Hey!” She objected mildly “What is an Aunt good for if not getting him his first beer.” 

A moment flashed in Remus’ mind of a similar thing _he_ had said when holding his Godson for the first time. “We will get him his first firewhiskey Moony. Just to make sure we are his favourite uncles.” 

“Well not at two” Remus replied leaning back in his chair and smiling. Trying to hide any emotion the deja vu caused. “I’ve been wondering something?”   
  


“Mhm” 

“How did we never cross paths at Hogwarts?” He’d been meaning to ask for awhile but always got distracted. They were about the same age and even if Remus had been lost in the Marauders fog for most of his time at Hogwarts he still felt he would have noticed Mads. 

“Ah well that is simple Re” the nickname rolled off her tongue so easily it made Remus’ blush a little “I didn’t go to Hogwarts.”

“What?” She was a witch Remus knew this for sure. It was the only time him or Harry saw magic anymore. Well except when he apperate for full moons. But Harry loved when she would magic a table float or transform a tea bag into a little brown mouse. “Where did you go?”   
  


“Beauxbatons” She said and he suddenly placed her accent as vaguely french.

“Tu parles français?” He asked raising an eyebrow

“Oui et toi?” 

He shook his head though she probably could already tell from his accent that he did not. “No, I just lived with someone who used to. I only really know the dirty words.”

He wasn’t sure why he said it because immediately his neck went red as he thought of _him_ pressed closed whispering obscenities in french. 

“Ahh so all the important stuff” She raising her eyebrows with a grin which Remus feebly returned.

“Why Beauxbatons? I know you are from Bristol.”

“My Dad went there.” 

Remus found this a little odd especially considering her Aunt was Mcgonagall but didn’t get a chance to say anything. At that moment Harry stuck his arms into the air and yelled “POTTY!”   
  


This had become the norm. Harry was learning to use the potty but he went from fine to desperate in a matter of seconds. Mads, as she always did, just went with it laughing and quickly scooping Harry up. 

“Order me a Scampi” She called rushing away. 

Remus felt an unfair amount of delight sitting in the sun in that moment. It was instantly replaced with soul crushing guilt. James was dead, Lily was dead, Peter was dead. He didn’t get happiness anymore. 

“Hiya Remus” Remus racked his brain trying to remember this ladies name. He tried not to be insensitive but there were a lot of old white ladies in this village, all dressed in long floral dresses and very short clipty heels. Was it Felicity maybe? Or Ruth?

“Hi” He said, smiling back. 

“Ready to order?” She was the one who owned the pub. Her family had been in the village forever according to Lilibet, his favourite of the old white ladies who liked to gossip while chain smoking on a bench by the beach. Maybe it was Anne.

“Yes.” He said smiling “I’ll have the soup please, and Mads will take a scampi. Is there anyway we could have some mushy peas for Harry?”

“Of course dear” She said, writing it down quickly. When she looked back her gaze was kind but slightly condensing. “I’m glad you’ve found yourself a nice girl sweetie. You deserve it.”

Again his gut churned and he felt oddly angry. He deserves nothing, certainly not Mads. And he hadn’t found himself a nice girl. Merely a nice girl had found Harry and he was attached. His demeanour must have changed because, what's her name, apologized and wandered away quickly.

~~~

Even though the house was far from done, when spring rolled around Remus couldn’t help but turn his attention to the gardens. Due to the isolation they had quite a large plot of land that was completely overgrown. Most of his time was spent pulling out brambles or blackberry bushes. 

Harry wouldn’t let Remus kill any bugs. Which became an issue when dealing with the slug. 

“Mooy no they are friends” Harry said stamping his foot as Remus explained why he was putting salt across the ground.

“But this doesn’t hurt the slugs” Remus tried “They just don’t like the taste so they go away.”

“We have to be nice to sugs” Harry said frowning “Give them tasty treats.”

“Okay fine.” Remus said smiling at how sweet Lily’s little boy was, and making a mental note to ask Ethel the gardening expert in the village which plants slugs like. 

On her days off Mads would come down, apparently to help. It seemed more like she was there to play with Harry and drink lemonade while Remus’ worked.

“I can’t help now Re” She said, Harry running at her with a stick “We are pirates! And my ship is under attack.”

Remus feigned annoyance rolling his eyes and turning back to his pile of manure. In reality he was thrilled. Remus was 50 at 15 and the war had aged him even more preemptively. So Mads gave Harry a youth he couldn’t. He was jealous, in a small selfish way. Jealous more than anything that Mads got to be young.

Harry would get covered in dirt, head to toe every single day. His black hair would be matted flat against his forehead, the crumbs of the dirt would find its way into his boots, ears, and fingernails. And as the sunset he would grin up from Remus while haphazardly wiping the dirt across his face. So every night Remus would scrub him clean, before tucking him into bed. 

“Can we play in the Garden tomorrow Mooy?” He’d asked. He had Dug nestled in the bed next to him as he always did.

“Of course we can” Remus would smile, leaning down and kissing his forehead. The scent of soap from his bath wafted up at him. “Now go to sleep Haz”

“ ‘Ood night Mooy” He whispered his small fists gripping the duvet. 

~~~ 

Remus had hated summers in his youth. Leaving Hogwarts meant leaving his friends. And as much as he loved his mother he spent most of his summers dealing with his fathers fear. They moved constantly so as not to draw suspicion and Remus was never allowed to make friends with the people in the villages. So he and his father would move around their house, Lyall ashamed of Remus, Remus guilty because of Lyall’s shame, and Lyall guilty because of Remus’ knowledge of Lyall’s shame. Way too much of Remus’ time was spent sappily missing his gaggle of friends and in his later years missing his love. 

But for the first time ever, in the summer of 1983, Remus enjoyed a summer. Harry and Remus started taking their lunches down to the wavy coast everyday. They would get 99’s which would mostly end up on Harry’s face. The water was too cold for swimming, not that Remus would even if could. But Harry loved the waves, he would chase them out, and laugh as they chased him back. Harry feed the seagulls so much Remus’ started to bring an extra piece of bread down every day. 

“Mooy” Harry’s face shown with joy “I found a rock.”

The beach was covered with rocks. Every centimeter was covered with rocks. 

“Good on ya lad” Remus said, beaming, taking the rock from Harry. 

“Clever boy you got there” Lilibet’s cigarette was unlit balanced between her teeth as she fumbled in her bag for her lighter. He knew he shouldn’t let people smoke around Harry but he had returned to hunting for treasure. And Remus enjoyed Lilibet’s company. 

She was old in the way Remus felt he was old. Bitter, tried, and talking shit. Angry about things she knew she couldn’t change. If it weren’t for Harry Remus would be drowning himself in liquor, possibly even have turned to worse things. There was gratitude to Harry for saving him from this fate, and a bit of irony in another Potter saving Remus. But sometimes he envied Lilibet. She allowed herself to be bitter. She allowed herself the escape. She drank and smoked and complained. And Remus wouldn’t smoke, and he wouldn’t drink. Not while he had Harry. But for a couple hours a week. He could talk shit. 

“Yeah” Remus replied, taking a sip from his thermos of tea. 

“Never saw the point in kids me self.” She said finally finding her ornate ivory lighter. “Good thing too with all this new science about not drinking when pregnant. I never would’ve stopped for some damn baby.”

“I don’t know if I would have had kids if it weren’t for Harry.” It was common knowledge in the village that Remus’ wasn’t Harry’s father. It had been a scandal at first. A lot of the details were varied. Ethel had said that she heard from Barb that Harry had been orphaned due to a car crash. Ruth had once asked if the cancer that took Harry’s father was genetic. Alfie asked Remus one morning how long it will be till Harry’s Mum got out of prison. That one stung. 

Remus knew one day he would have to explain what happened to Lily and James. But with Harry so young, collecting rocks without a care, it just didn’t seem right yet. 

“I reckon with the right person you would’ve” Her hair was wrapped in a scarf but the wind whipped strands out. “You seem like the settling down type.”

“I don’t think I would have settled with the right person.” Remus saw Harry finding another pebble on the beach which he lifted to show Remus who smiled. 

“Ah you like the bad girls” She said coughing slightly as she pushed the smoke from her lungs. “You’d have like me 50 or so years ago.”

“I quite like you now.” He said watching her let out a cackling laugh. 

“Well then boy, I’ll have to ask you round for a brandy one of these nights. You free Tuesday?” 

“No actually. Harry is going to visit his Aunt for a couple weeks so we will be away.” The day Remus had been dreading approaching fast. Mcgonagall had said that two weeks a year should sustain the blood magic in place to protect Harry. So for the two weeks before his little boy's third Birthday Harry would be going back to his Aunt and Uncle. For two weeks Remus’ wouldn’t know what Harry was doing, or if he was safe, or if he was happy. For two weeks Remus wouldn’t have the only thing that tethered him to reality. Could one return to floating aimlessly and come back to earth in two weeks. Could one drink and then stop again. 

“Mooy” Harry was there again attempting to climb on to the bench and into Remus’ lap. Remus bent over slightly and took the boy the boy under his arms and pulled him up swiftly. His small hands curled into the fabric of Remus’ sweater and he leaned into Remus. When Harry got tried he would get cuddly so Remus knew this was his call to head back to Corner Cottage. 

“I think young Harry needs a nap” Remus said turning to Lilibet but she just laughed. 

“I think you are a bit late love” 

When Remus looked down he saw Harry's eyes closed face squished against Remus’ chest. Safe and sound asleep. 

~~~ 

James had said Remus was a waste of scars. 

“You could be so scary Moony. Scars right across your face and no one knows how you got them. Imagine how much we could make the slytherins piss themselves.” James had said reclining in a lounger by the fire one cold night in Gryffindor tower. “But you are just too, you know Moony.”

Remus hadn’t known what he meant but Peter and _him_ had nodded in agreement. As Remus approached Number 4 Privet Drive he knew he had to channel that. Okay Prongs, he thought, no more wasting the scars. 

“Okay Haz” Remus said shifting his weight slightly and letting Harry press firmer against his side. “This your Aunt and Uncle's house, remember, you used to live here?”

Harry looked at the house with fear in his eyes. Whether it was fear of the house or the unknown was unclear. 

“You are going to stay here for a couple weeks,” Remus said placing the bag with Harry stuff down on the doormat. “And then I am going to come back and get you and it’ll be your birthday.”

Harry’s eye lit up slightly at this, which comforted Remus. 

“And we’ll go back to Corner Cottage, and there will be presents, and cake. Okay?”

Harry nodded. So Remus rang the doorbell. It chimed loudly inside the house and instantly he could hear muffled voices behind the door.

“I’ll take Dudders up to his bedroom” A women’s shrill voice said “Don’t want our prefect lil’ boy around whoever this Remus Lupin is.”

“Good” It was a man's voice now, gruff and deep. “I’ll just take the boy and get him to bugger off. What kind of name is Remus anyways. Parents must have been berks.”

There was some shuffling between the door, and footsteps going up a set of stairs. Harry tucked himself against Remus more firm, face against his neck. The door swung open an an angry red faced man stood in front of him. 

“Remus is latin.” He watched the mans face grow dark, forehead creases forming. “My Dad loved the myth of Romulus and Remus funding Rome. ‘

The smell from the house was overwhelmingly floral. In a sickening sweet sort of way. The full moon was close and Remus’ scenes where heightened and this was perhaps the worse place to be in this state. The stupidly prefect house reaked. A every other sense was annoyed as well. The look of this man's mustache and the scrap of food tangled in the hair made his eyes burn. The feel of the air, too hot and sticky mad his skin crawl.The sound of a women’s voice sining, if you could call it that, an annoying children’s lullaby to a crying baby, made his ears bleed. 

Maybe getting angry would be easy. 

“Here” The man stuck his arms out “Give me the boy and come back to get him in two weeks.”

Harrys little finger’s were digging into Remus back now, his face pushed so far into his neck there was no way he could see. Remus’ heart ached for the boy, but it in no way dimmed his anger. 

“Well it would be rude of me to not first learn your name, and perhaps the origin of it.” Remus said “I was thinking a cup of tea would be good.”

Remus put his hand not cradling Harry on the door attempting to push it open farther but another larger hand came up to stop it. The door pushed back against Remus’ hand hard. There was no contest for physical strength here. Remus and this man were at opposite ends of the scrawiness scale. 

So he removed his hand from the door, and let it fall in his front jean pocket. Right next to his wand. 

“My name is Vernon Dursley,” Vernon said, removing his hand from the door timidly but not moving back. “And I don’t think tea is necessary.” 

“I would like to see where Harry will be sleeping for the next two weeks.” He said letting his fingers play with the end of his wand, still pushed into his pocket. Harry had not once seen him use it and Remus had every intention of keeping it that way. But Vernon Dursley would never know that. 

Remus didn’t wait for a response. He lent down grabbing Harry’s bag, before pushing through into the house. The interior of the house was as revolting as the outside. Remus knew he was in no place to judge anyones living quaters considering his old flat. And even Corner Cottage which was making small progress towards being a proper house. But he hated this place. He hate how clean it was it made it feel so unhomely for two toddlers. 

"Mooy" Harry muttered so quiet that Remus doubted Vernon heard. "Do I have to stay here?"

That was probably why Remus hated it. 

"It'll be alright lad" Remus said his heart breaking at the lie "Your Aunt and Uncle are going to take good care of you, I'll make sure of it" He said that part more to Vernon than Harry. "Maybe now they will show us your room. Then we can set up all your stuff." 

Vernon Dursley grew stiff at this. Remus didn't think he would ever forget Mcgonnall telling him how Lily and James son, how Harry, was sleeping in a cupboard. And that would not be happening again. 

"Well it isn't exactly a big house" Lie. It wasn't a mansion, Remus would give him that, but it was big. Certainly big enough for no one to need to sleep in cupboards. "There isn't exactly an empty room." 

"Perhaps your son would be kind enough to share." Remus would not break eye contact first. He knew this kind of man. Masculinity and wealth was power to them. So scarwny Remus in his knit sweater with holes in the elbow and scuffed shoes so far from a threat. But he wouldn't back down or cower from him, that would only fuel the supiority he felt. 

"I don't know" Vernon started breaking eye contact finally. Remus took advantage of this moment of weakness to push towards the stairs. He climbed them despite the grumbles of complaint. 

"Here we are Harry" Remus said adjusting him slightly on his hip, not ready to put him down yet. "Look at this big beautiful house" He shot a dirty look down at Vernon as he said this, pushing open a door. He knew it was rude but this was for Harry. "This must be your Aunt and Uncles room, if you ever need them look in here, they'll be happy to help."

Petunia now appeared from down hall to investigate the noise. She looked at Remus with a distant that did actually strike a cord in Remus. It reminded him for a moment of Lily. It was how Lily had looked at James and _him_ their first couple years at Hogwarts. She had a fondness for Remus but he was certainly fimilar with the look. She would cast it over at them after a successful prank, while everyone else laughed, usually at the Slytherins expense, she would glare. Just like Petunia was now. It softened Remus' slightly. 

"Hello Petunia, good to see you again." He said. 

"We've met?" She said, her voice colder than Lily's.

"At the funeral." He said, Harry was getting wiggly in his arms "I was good friends with your sister, and her husband." 

Her face only shiverled more at this, and Remus felt the sympathy begin to drain. She might be Lily's sister but anyone who treated Harry with anything less than utter kindness was worthless to Remus. 

"I think you should leave now" She looked him over as if taking in each aspect of his appearence and finding all of it displeasing. "You can leave Harry." 

"I just wanted to make sure Harry was settled." He said "See his room."

"He doesn't have one." Vernon said gruffly his face even redder now. "He'll sleep downstairs."

"I'm sure you aren't suggesting that Harry sleep in the cupboard under the stairs." He let his fingers wrap around the end of his wand now. 

There was another silence. Long and angry. 

"Dudley has a playroom" Petunia said and Vernon turned to her clearly enraged at what was about to happen. "Harry can sleep in there."

Petunia showed Remus and Harry into a relatively good size bedroom and then immedaitely retreated. Her and Vernon's voice were argueing in what must have been there sons room next door. But Remus mostly tuned it out, focusing on his last couple moments with Harry. The room was full of toys which made Remus happy and seemingly distracted Harry. As Harry drove a toy car across the floor Remus unpacked his bag. Putting his clothes into a couple empty drawers a long the side. Once he was done he straightened up turning towards the door. 

"Mooy stay?" Harry said suddenly looking away from the car. His greens eyes swam in tears, his emotions changed so suddenly. Remus guessed that was being a child. His emotions took ages to change festering on the negative ones for far too long. 

"No Haz" Remus said checking his watch before crossing the room. He had to leave by one. Mcgonagall had been specific about that. The time didn't start till Remus' left so if he wanted to have the afternoon with Harry on his birthday he had to leave in 15 minutes. "You have to spend sometime with Aunt, and Cousin. They are your family. And you'll have lots of fun." 

Remus sat on the floor Harry in his lap, cuddling close. He reached over to Harry's bag pulling out the first and most important object he had packed before pushing it into Harry's arm. 

"Dug is here to watch out for you" Remus said watching as Harry cuddled the dog close. The toy had barely left Harry's arms since they'd bought it. Some of the sting of gone for Remus. It wasn't _him._ It didn't have the eyes that Remus knew so well. And, Remus chastised himself, it was only a children's toy. 

He wrapped Harry in his arms, and dug as well in the process. He kissed his forehead, avoiding the scar that lay and all the memories attached to it and focused on Harry. He was safe, and he would stay that way. That was all that matter. 

"I'll be back in two weeks. And then do you know how old you'll be then?" Remus asked with a smile. 

Harry shook his head against Remus chest. 

"You'll be three" Remus said holding up three fingers and watching as Harry attempted to do the same. 

"Three" Harry replied smiling. "Yes you'll be a big kid then." Remus said. "I already big" Harry said with a pout. "Are you going to leave?" It was Vernon now standing in the doorway. Remus' arms tighten slightly around Harry even though he knew Vernon was right. He had to go. He had to leave Harry here. It was both the right thing for Harry, and the wrong thing. "Okay Haz" He said pushing all of Harry's hair out off his forehead. He'd need to take Harry for a haircut when they got back to Corner Cottage. "I've got to go now." That's when Harry broke down sobbing clutching Remus sweater. Remus quickly felt his sweater getting wet from the tears Harry pressed into it. His own eyes stung slightly but he gulped them back, not in front of Vernon Dursley, not in front of Harry. "Control him will you." Vernon growled "Dudley is trying to take a nap." Remus shot him a glare, that most have shown the anger James thought he was incapable of, because Vernon shut up, looking down awkwardly. Remus just muttered kind words into Harry's hair for a few moments. He ran a hand comfortingly up and down Harry's back trying to replicate the way Lily would comfort him. All soft but firm. He wished Harry would calm down before he left. It only made everything more painful, as the child clung to him screaming and quiet. "Okay Harry" He finally said standing with the boy in his arms and walking passed Vernon in search of Petunia. Maybe it was an unfair assocation but Remus felt better leaving Harry with someone who shared dna with Lily, then this walrus of a man. He found Petunia in the hallway, standing stiffly looking at a picture of baby Dudley. "I'm going to leave you with your Aunt now" Harry was quieter now but still crying. He passed Harry to Petunia who looked less then happy to take the boy but didn't complain. "I promise I'll be back" He whisper leaning close and placing a final kiss on his forehead. "I love you Harry" 


	2. Three

In some distant part of his mind he was worried Harry might not remember him. Or that maybe he would cry, like when Remus had dropped him off and beg to stay. They were small shellfish worries. Overshadowed by the bigger worry that Harry would be unsafe or worse not there at all. 

All those worries were flung from his mind as Harry threw his arms around Remus’ leg. 

“Mooy! Mooy come back!” Harry said, rubbing his face into Remus' knee. 

“Of course I came back” Remus bent down scooping Harry up and gathering him into his arms, swinging him around as much as he could in the small hallway. Remus kept spinning until both of them were laughing and giggling. It felt so good to be near Harry again. Like coming up for air after a long stretch under water. Without Harry tethering him to reality Remus felt he couldn’t breath. But back with the small boy he could gulp the air into his lungs and sink back into reality. 

“I would never miss your birthday” He said as he put Harry back on the ground trying not to topple over with how dizzy he felt. Whether it was the spinning or just the general elation that made him dizzy was unclear.

“Three!” Harry yelled, holding up two fingers which made Remus chuckle again pulling one more of Harry’s fingers up for him. 

“Yes! You are three Harry” He replied, taking a moment to properly survey the boy. He looked fine. At least like he’d been eating and sleeping. He was grinning, one of his hands was on Remus’ pant leg. It broke Remus' heart to think that Harry might be worried he would leave again. 

“We go Corer” Harry was pleading a little. 

“Yes Harry” He promised sincerely “Lets just grab your stuff and say thank you to your aunt and uncle, then I have your first Birthday surprise outside.” 

“Here” Vernon said, shoving Harry’s bag towards them. Remus had briefly noticed him as he opened the door but then had gotten fully distracted by Harry. He stood between Remus and his wife who had a large blonde toddler in her arms. Dudley Remus assumed. Petunia looked like she was surveying Remus much like he had examined Harry. Except with a lot more judgement. Remus could only imagine what she saw. He only had fuzzy memories of the last couple weeks. He couldn’t go back to Corner Cottage. Not with Harry’s room empty. So he had slept rough for two weeks and imagined he looked rough as well. 

“Thank you” He said, attempting to meet Petunia’s eyeline but she kept her eyes glued to the ground. “Harry can you say thank you to your aunt and uncle.”

Harry’s grip on his leg tightened slightly but he mumbled “Thank you.”

“We will see you in a year,” Remus said. He tried to keep his tone cordial. They had taken Harry, and kept him safe for two weeks, that was worth something to Remus. Even if he didn’t understand how they didn’t see Harry how Remus did. Didn’t see how Harry, even at three, was the best of Lily and James. But the magic that was held between Harry and Petunia was very possibly going to save his life. So Remus would try his best to treat them with kindness. Even if he did find it a little funny that Petunia was technically a part of something so magical. “Thank you for taking care of Harry.” 

He waited for a second expecting them to bid farewell to Harry or acknowledge Remus’ words. When it became clear that neither of those things would happen he turned and left the house. Happy to be rid of the place for another year. 

“Okay Harry” He said as they walked slowly down the driveway Harry’s small hand in his. “Ready for your first surprise.”

Harry nodded excitedly. 

“Remember all the vroom-vrooms we saw in the village?” Vroom vrooms were what Harry called cars. The village was so small and everyone mostly just walked but occasionally one would drive passed and Harry would yell vroom-vroom. “I got us one.”

They were at the curb now and Remus gestured at a small red Mini 850 which he had badly parked, half on the Dursley’s overly manicured lawn. It was incredibly beat up. There were dents, well everywhere, the bumper was sagging, and the paint was chipping. He’d bought it off a widow. “My wife ‘ad to go and die, leaving me with this piece of shit” He said, giving the impression he wasn’t grieving too openly. And now him and Harry had a car. He figured they wouldn’t use it much. Parking in the village was too much work, and Remus didn’t mind the walk. But they could use it to get Mads for full moons, and maybe they would take some day trips. For adventures as James and him would say.

Harry looked elated at the pile of crap car. He dropped Remus’ hand running towards the car. 

“Our vroom-vroom!” He said grinning, placing a hand on the passenger side door. 

“Our very own vroom-vroom” Remus said with a smile. “I got a special seat for you in the back, and we can drive it home. Soon I’ll drive you up to have an Aunt Mads day” Harry smiled at this too. “And when you grow up I’ll teach you to drive it. Just like my Mum taught me.”

He hoped when Harry was old enough to drive he wouldn’t find driving as stupid as Remus had. “I can apparate Mum.” 17 teen year old Remus had said, on his last summer break from Hogwarts “Why would I ever need to drive.” As he loaded Harry up into the car, no wand in sight, he sent a silent thank you to Hope. You were right Mum, always were. 

The drive home was blissful. For the first half hour Harry would just keep going wee and begging Remus to go faster. So when they finally got on the motorway Harry screamed in excitement. 

“So fast Mooy!” He said “We are so fast!” 

Eventually Harry calmed down a little so Remus flipped on the radio. For the rest of the ride the voices Billy Joel, Culture Club, and David Bowie filled the car, occasionally joined by Remus or Harry though he didn’t know any words. It was so hot that Remus conceded to an ice cream even though he knew they had cake at home. They stopped at a small parlor just off the motorway and got one scoop of rum raisin for himself, and a mint chocolate chip for Harry. Harry only chose it for the colour but he didn’t complain as it dripped down his hands, melting in the summer heat. 

It was almost dinner by the time they got home. Harry clapped happily as the stonewalls of Corner Cottage appeared. 

“Home” Remus said grinning as he put the car in park. 

“Home!” Harry returned happily. 

Harry’s excitement didn’t dim for a moment. He ran ahead of Remus pounding on the locked door until Remus had unloaded Harry’s bag and walked up to unlock it. When the doors opened Harry sprinted in down the hall and into the sitting room. Remus had only been back once in the last two weeks. This morning, to set up a lovely birthday for his lovely boy. The sitting room had balloons, and a banner over the coffee table with a pile of presents. The decoration looked sort of funny in the still unfinished sitting room, but he knew Harry wouldn’t mind. And he didn’t, he just pulled Remus by the pant leg over to the couch.

“For Harry?” Harry said in the third person pointing between himself and the presents.

“Yes all for you.” Remus said, pulling Harry into his lap. “Should we open the big one first?” 

Harry nodded and Remus pulled the big crate to the side of the table letting Harry rip the paper off the present. He had thought a lot about what to get Harry, he wanted it to be perfect. Something special for Harry to treasure. Not some cheap toy that would end up in the bin in a few years. He also wanted it to be something related to Harry. Maybe he just wanted to prove that he knew Harry.

Remus remembers holding a beautiful wrapped gift for Harry’s first birthday. He knew it was from him but he had no idea what it was. Gifts had been his speciality. Remus had been sure it wasn’t because he had and came from money. But because he wanted to show how much he knew his friends, how much he loved them. Now Remus had no clue why he was so good at getting gifts. 

“A frog!” Harry exclaimed as the cage came into view. 

“A toad” Remus corrected watching as Harry pressed his face right up against the glass. “I thought because you love the slugs so much.” 

“Is my toad?” Harry said, looking up, a smile growing as Remus nodded. “Tod”

“Tod the toad” Remus said “Very good.” 

The rest of the presents weren’t nearly as exciting as Tod. And dinner was bland. But Harry seemed so happy the whole time. 

A warmth blossomed in Remus’ chest at the sight of Harry snug in his bed. Back were he was supposed to be. He read Harry a book, letting his tone get softer as Harry’s eyes flutter closed. When the story was done Remus tried to sneak off the bed without waking Harry. But Harry's voice soft with sleep whispered. 

“Mooy?” 

“Yes lad.” Remus replied, settling back on the bed with Harry. 

“I stay here” Harry said rolling his bed so head pressed against Remus’ side “No go back”

“Yes Harry” Remus whispers “For one whole year you stay here with me. You didn’t like it there?”

“Dug with me” Harry whispered, his hand tightening on the toy. “Is okay. Want to be with Mooy.”

Remus rubbed a gentle hand up and down Harry’s small back. If he splayed his fingers they would span his whole back. He was so small. So precious. 

“Goodnight Tod” Harry whispered peaking an eye open at his toad on perched in its cage on top of the dresser “Goodnight Mooy”

“Goodnight Harry, I love you”

“Luv Mooy” 

~~~

“So you aren’t dead then.” Mads' tone was surprising as her words. Cold and unexpected. She leveled him with a glare that seemed so out of place on her usually joyful face.

“Aunt Mads!” Harry said, struggling in Remus’ arms. Instantly Mads face softened and she reached up taking Harry from Remus and pulling him close.

“Hiya Harry” She nuzzled her face into the top of Harry’s hair looking at him with a fondness that disappeared each time her eyes returned to Remus. “Oh Harry I need your help!” She said with an urgency Harry returned quickly looking up at her “I have a present I need to give to someone who recently turned 3! Do you know anyone?”

“Me!” Harry exclaimed pointing at himself “Me 3!”

“Oh perfect” Mads said, turning and carrying Harry into her flat. She didn’t close the door behind her so Remus assumed she wanted him to follow. So a very confused Remus trailed in racking his brain for what he could have done to offend Mads. He hadn’t even seen her for over a month. She hadn’t been down to visit since Harry returned. Remus had assumed she’d just been busy but now that seemed unlikely. 

Mads had got Harry a large teddy bear. Which Harry cuddled happily, pressing his face into its fluffy stomach. Mads excused herself to make tea and Remus trailed in behind her, the flat was so small he knew Harry would be fine. Mads was over the sink when Remus walked in filling the kettle with water. She slammed it down on the counter when she noticed Remus standing there, her fist shaking slightly. 

“I” Remus started very nervously. It had been so long since someone had been properly mad at him. More than a fit Harry threw, or a lady in the village complaining about his appearance. The last person who had been this mad at Remus was properly him. He had been mad a lot towards the end. Mad when Remus left, mad when he returned. Remus had enough of anger he didn’t want any with Mads. “I’m sorry.”

“I thought you were dead.” She said, her voice instantly softened at the apology. 

“On the full moon?” Remus said finally starting to put some of the pieces together, 

“No Remus on Halloween” It was a sarcastic joke meant to imply Remus was being daft for not knowing what she was talking about but it took Remus breath away for a painful moment. She had no way of knowing the punch her words held. They had never talked about the night Harry was orphaned, the night they both lost their family. She would know, if she really thought about it. It had been a historic day. But unlike Remus, it wouldn’t live in the front of her mind. It was the last thing he wanted to dwell on right now. “Yes, the full moon!” 

“You thought I would come here?” Remus asked. 

“Of course I did. You’ve come here after every full moon for over a year!” Her yelling was not quite loud enough to disturb Harry in the room over, but it was still yelling. “Instead I spent the day sitting here in panic before running around St.Mungo’s checking that it wasn’t you in each bed.” 

“I” Remus started feebly again “without Harry, I didn’t think you’d want me.”

Remus had never fully understood exactly why Mads helped them. But he had been sure it had to do with Harry. She was obviously charmed by the boy, she adored Harry almost as much as Remus did at this point. He wondered if it began with some loyalty to Harry due to how the war ended. She wouldn’t be the only witch or wizard who felt this way. It annoyed Remus even though it shouldn’t. He didn’t want people adoring Harry for the worst night of his life. The night that took his parents. People should adore Harry because he walked dried up seaweed back to the ocean so it wouldn’t get thirsty. Or because of how when Remus would read a big book, Harry would grab one and sit just like Remus did in an attempt to copy him. There were plenty of reasons to adore Harry. A scar on his forehead didn’t seem like the right one.

But now, as Mads angrily fumbled in the drawer for tea bags, he realized it wasn’t just a loyalty to Harry that had Mads helping them. Mads cared for Remus. It shouldn’t be a shocking realization considering she had been tending to his wounds for a year. But it was. Remus had once been so used to people caring for him. His mother, the Marauders, Lily, it always felt undeserved. And when it was gone it confirmed to him that he had never earned it. That maybe having for a while was just so not having it would hurt all the more. But here he was again, hurting someone who cared for him. 

“Merde Re” She said the french rolling off her tongue effortlessly. “I was so worried.” 

She had lost most of her fire now, throwing a tea bag into the pot. She turned to face Remus finally and it took Remus breath away for a second. She was beautiful, and young. Her dark skin was so smooth you could run your fingers across it and not feel a single imperfection. Not covered in scars and with deep dark circles under her eyes like his own face. She changed her hair, the box braids were gone and replaced with Bantu Knots which only enhanced her strong jaw. This person who was somehow both the imagine of conventional and unconventional beauty cared about him. 

Even if it was all platonic Remus felt in this case the outsides reflected honestly what lurked within. Beauty and the beast. 

“I’m sorry.” He said “I wasn’t thinking.”

This was true. For two weeks including the moon Remus’ hadn’t thought. He had drunk. He tried not to but only lasted hours. He felt like he was letting James, and Lily down. Leaving Harry with those people. Harry’s sobs rang in his ears, so loud it was deafening. It was all a blur after that. He had sex, he knew he did. Rough, animalistic, meaningless sex, purely for something to do. Something to placate his mind. That was all sex was to him anymore, means to an end. He’d been in London mostly. Thinking the rain might drown him as he slept, in parks, or alleys. The full moon at least had been familiar and expected. He’d stayed in the distant forest he’d apparate to for two days. Letting his body heal, and sleeping. When the two weeks were up, he returned to Harry and though the itched for liquor was stronger now he had somehow returned to his world. And Mads was a part of that world. 

“No you weren’t” She was still bitter but the atmosphere in the room was shifting. “Fuck Re never again?”

“Never again.”

“Okay” She said, taking a deep breath as if to compose herself before turning around and opening the fridge. She pulled out a small chocolate cake with three unlit candles perched in the icing. “Come on let's have Harrys cake before you go break all your bones.” 

~~~

Harry was three now, and Remus knew at three he should have friends. Kids his own age to play with. Remus knew childhood isolation all too well and he wouldn’t do that to Harry. He’d given himself a selfish year locked away with Harry. But now it was time for both of them to be brave.

And that was the logic that brought Remus Lupin to Toddler Time. 

It was in a dusty old church basement. It smelt of burnt coffee and was decorated with posters about Jesus’ loves that made Remus want to roll his eyes. He hated churches. 

He was the only bloke. A group of mothers, all older than him, with expensive baby bags and perfect manicures, stared at him as he sat in the small circle of chairs. Harry seemed similarly nervous. Though some of the kids were playing with toys on the foam carpet in the middle, Harry clutched to Remus, pulling Remus' cardigan around himself a little. The only other toddler Harry had interacted with was Dudley so Remus couldn’t really blame him for wanting to hide. 

“Umm hello” Remus tried to keep the nerves out of his voice for Harry’s sake. One of them had to be brave. “I saw a flyer on the bulletin board, and we thought we would check it out” He said, answering a question no one asked.

“What’s your name sweetheart?” A blonde woman holding a squirming newborn said. Her words were kind but her tone was dripping in condensation. 

“I am um Remus” This only gained more looks from the group. “And this is Harry.” 

Luckily at that moment the attention was taken of him as something cursed loudly in the back. Everyone turned to look to see a man holding one of the double doors open as a woman struggled with a stroller. 

“Shit! Jermey open both bloody doors won’t you!” She said a friendly sort of bite in her voice “I’m pregnant and got a stroller here, I need as much space as I can get.”

“Yeah, space sounds like a good idea.” He was clearly joking but it earned him a slap on the arm when the woman made her way into the basement. 

“Oh we get both of you today” The same blonde woman said her tone was even colder when addressing this new woman. But she seemed not bothered at all. The two strolled into the room with an air of confidence that made Remus feel worse about his bumbling entrance. They looked stark together but effortlessly cool at the same time. He was tall, dressed in a band tee that stretched over his wide shoulders. She was tiny, barely taller than 5ft, with straight black hair that was dipped dyed blue at the end. Her leather jacket took Remus breath away for a second. Distressed, like it was old and worn, though in reality it was probably very expensive. Patches, all colourful spouting support for various causes. It was so like his. 

“I know” The woman said, taking the seat next to Remus. “Aren’t you lucky Cheryl” 

The man got a kid out of the stroller. A boy, if the way he was dressed gave any indication, and around Harry’s age. The second he feet were on the ground the kid was running. Leaving a path of destruction in his wake. Harry’s eyes glinted at this seemingly engaged by this little boy. 

The group of Mum’s started chatting about things Remus truly didn’t care about. Bragging about their babies accomplishments, or holidays to Spain. He kept himself busy stroking Harry’s hair, and watching the other kids play.

“You’re new” The woman was leaning over to him. 

“You’re late” He replied. 

“Olive” She said, and when Remus justed stared she rolled her eyes “My name is Olive. You know when you’re born you parents give you one-”

“I’m aware of the concept.” He said “I’m Remus.” 

“Fun name. That’s Jermey” She said pointing at the man who was attempting to engage in friendly conversation “And our son Bowie”

“As in David?” Remus asked, smiling slightly. 

“The one and only.” She said, also grinning. “My idea, if it was up to Jer we would have named him Michael or something boring like that.”

There was some scoffing at that, from women Remus assumed had named their baby Michael.

“Olive” Jermey whispered, turning towards them. 

“It isn’t my fault they don’t have any creativity.” 

The rest of Toddler Time went off pretty seamlessly. Harry eventually mustered his courage and hopped off Remus’ lap to play with the other kids. He mostly followed Bowie around even attempting to copy his movements. Olive and Remus mostly muttered to each other as the women around them gossiped and laughed. 

She invited him and Harry around for a coffee, which Remus nervously accepted. This was the point, a friend for Harry. But the idea of going over to someone else’s house was daunting to him. He’d rather get his eyebrows shaved off then make small talk at this point. But it seemed Olive wasn’t really the kind for it, anyways. She was straight to the point. 

“Jermey makes me go, you want milk?” Olive said, pouring coffee into three mugs. Remus nodded and she added a bit of milk from a small container. Their house was small and over crowded. A confusing mess of childrens toys, guitars, and amps. They sat on plush velvet couches around a wood coffee table with foam covering the sharp corners. Harry and Bowie were dressing up dolls, off to the side and periodically showing them to their guardians. “He’s in a band and they are going on tour. He doesn’t want me to get lonely.” She said with sarcasm and eyerolls. 

“Yeah It’s almost like I fucking love you.” Jeremy said from where he sat playing with kids.

“And that's why you agreed to let me find some dick”

Remus almost spat out his coffee, giving an ungodly snort. 

“Can we please have a couple of things we don’t say in front of the kids.” Jeremy said exhausted but smiling. 

Olive waved her hand vaguely in his general direction “‘othing wrong with teaching him about sexual fluidity” 

“Well maybe we could wait until he is four at least” He replied.

Remus was a blushing mess now. He wanted to disappear into the sofa, and reappear in his small cottage surrounded by his books and tea. It wasn’t because he was judging them, in fact he envied them a little. The freedom they felt in discussing this, the trust they had in each other. It was unfamiliar to Remus. The only person Remus had properly been with was him. And discussion had never been their strong suit. It had been years of push and pull, of trying not to fall in love while simultaneously falling so fucking hard. They truly didn’t want to be together. They needed each other so much as friends being lovers felt complicated especially given what the world would think of; a pure blood and a half blood, a boy and boy, a werewolf and wizard. In the end being together felt very much like accepting defeat, and so much was left unsaid. 

“We are in an open relationship.” Olive told Remus so incredibly comfortably.

It was the kind of thing he would have never agreed to. He hadn’t been jealous exactly. They had trusted each other- Remus gut churned and for a second he worried he might be sick. He thought they trusted each other. Remus trusted him. He felt guilty that even after almost two years he still had to remind himself, that he wasn’t who Remus thought he was. But he had always been possessive. He wanted Remus close, physically and emotionally. In the end it started to pull them apart as Remus continual left as he continual begged him not to.

“Okay” Remus said, his voice shaking a little. 

Olive burst out into loud reckless laughter, joined by Jeremy’s slightly quieter one. 

“You can stop panicking love. I wasn’t about to ask you to have a threesome.”

Remus let out a small, hopefully not noticeable, sigh of relief.

“Unless you want to.”

~~~

“Tod gone!” Harry sobbed his fist in little balls at his side, face distressed, tear tracks craving his cheeks. “Tod gone!”

Remus felt a bit frazzled himself, but tried not to show it. Despite a strong ache in his hip from the moon he lay against the ground to look under the sofa, eyes scanning desperately in the dark for Tods big eyes. 

“We will find him Harry.” Remus said. It’s a toad, and he knew that. But Remus also couldn’t let Harry deal with any more losses. “Where did you have him last?”

“Play at window, I want Tod see sea. Went for Dug show too. Come back and gone.” Harry’s words got less and less coherent as the sobs racked his body.

The first floor living room window was cracked open. Just enough for a toad to fit through. Remus stuck his head out desperate to see Tod’s tiny silmy body. But all he saw was the tulip patch he had planted last spring. When turned Harry was on the ground his crying turned quiet and heartbreaking. 

“Stay here Harry,” Remus said, noting that he really needed to. Harry looked completely resigned to crying on the floor. 

Remus went up the stairs two at a time rushing into the bedroom. He felt far more overwhelmed then was warranted for a missing pet toad. Harry shouldn’t have to lose anyone else, even a stupid fucking toad. He opened and drawer and pushed aside some knit sweaters. He hesitated a little, looking at something that used to feel like an extension of his own body, before finally grabbing his wand and returning to Harry.

Harry was still sitting on the floor but looked up when Remus returned to the room. Remus’ hands felt shaky with the wand so unfamiliar and distant in his hand. He still felt blooming hatred for magic and all it had taken from him. But it felt like necessary to stop Harry feeling so 

“Accio Tod” Remus said, pointing his wand out the window with one hand and the other one out waiting hopefully. “Come on” he muttered under his breath “Come on”

Finally Remus saw a green mass flying through the air landing with a small spalt in Remus’ outstretched hand. Remus could have laughed with relief, turning to Harry with a grin. “I believe this gentleman is looking for you.”

“Tod!” Harry exclaimed the tears still on his face as he rushed over taking the toad carefully out of Remus’ hand. 

Seeing Harry go from utter despair to incomprensible joy made Remus feel a twinge in his gut. Not quite regret but perhaps hope. Hope that one day he would find a way to use magic to bring Harry this joy, Despite the fact he stopped

~~~

Remus had felt a need to make Harry’s third Christmas wonderful. Harry had only ever had one true Christmas. Spent with his parents, as well as the rest of the Marauders. There had been food, laughter, love. It was the kind of the Christmas that made you forget there was a war past the fogged windows. After dinner Remus left, because that was what he did then. He would leave. 

But not this year. This year he would fall asleep with Harry tucked against his chest, knowing both of them were safe.

So he got a tree. A proper one. And him and Harry hung ornaments messily on the branches. He told Harry about Father Christmas and his eyes shone with delight. 

“Harry on nice lise?” He asked and Remus loved the boy endlessly but wasn’t super excited about the third person. 

“I think you’ll be right at the top” Remus said anyways ruffling his unruly black hair. 

He invited Mads nervously, assuming she’d have better things to do. But she took it in her stride, like she always did. 

“Of course I’d love to!” She said grinning. “I’ve gotta have dinner with my family, but Christmas morning with my boys sounds lovely.”

She ended up sleeping on the sofa on Christmas Eve. She’d come round for a beach walk, which turned into staying for dinner, which turned into reading Harry a goodnight story, which turned into talking to Remus for hours until finally she fell asleep. Remus could have fallen asleep next to her, he could feel his eyes slipping closed. But he with a slight groan he pushed himself off the sofa, covering Mads with a blanket. Then he checked that Harry was still sound asleep. His face was smashed against his pillow, Dug pulled against his chest. When Remus eventually collapsed into his own bed letting his eyes flutter shut he thought fondly of two people he just tucked into bed. The two people he cared about. 

“Mooy!” Harry screamed piling on to him in bed. “Mooy Father Christmas! He brought presents! Wake up!”

Remus laughed, chucking one of his arms over Harry holding him tight. 

“Oh good my teddy bear is here” He whispered “Now I never have to move.”

“NO!” Harry yelled pushing against Remus’ arms “No Mooy is Harry not Teddy! Presents Mooy!” 

“Now why is everyone still in bed!” Remus cracked his eyes open to see Mads leaning against the bedroom door with a smile. “Did Father Christmas not come?”

Harry finally wrangled his way out of Remus' arms, jumping straight into Mads’. Harry was so full of excitement that for one of the first times in his life Remus didn’t mind getting woken up. 

Harry opened his present in a blur. Remus had attempted to get a good variety of gifts, but Mads had certainly gotten Harry all the really good ones. All non-magic at Remus’ request. But the train set she got let out little puff of smoke, and a little toy piano which Harry banged on happily, and loudly. 

“Here” He said, shoving something into Mads arms which made her look up alarmed. 

“I thought we said no presents!” 

“It’s not a present,” He said smiling, “It is a sweater, mine. You’ve been in that shirt for 24 hours, and it's freezing in here. 

“Oh” She said a slight blush on her cheeks. “Thanks.”

She changed into the cream knit sweater which was so big she swam in it. It was Remus’ turn to blush as she bunched up it into little sweater paws around her hands. The three went about a happy Christmas morning. Remus made a toasty fire, after assuring Harry that Father Christmas would not be coming back and accidentally burn his feet. Mads sang Christmas songs loudly and danced with Harry in her arms. 

“I’ll start lunch” Remus said pushing himself off the sofa. He was slightly dreading the moment after lunch when Mads would leave. 

“Oh” Mads said, stopping mid dip Harry hanging upside down in her arms “I forgot to tell you.” She was smiling the kind of smile that made Remus very very nervous. 

“What?” She just continued to smile, lifting Harry back up right and spinning them again “Mads!”

“They should be here any minute”

“They! Mads whose they!” Harry, Remus, Mads, and Mccgonal were the only people who had been at Corner Cottage since they’d moved in, and Remus suddenly felt a bolt of anxiety to hoover. He had placed magical protection around the house so no one could enter if they had any intention of harming Harry so Remus knew whoever Mads invited would have come to hurt them. But still he hadn’t hoovered in ages.

“Coming” Mads yelled, still holding Harry tight in her arms as she rushed towards the door. 

Remus knew he should follow, that it was the polite thing to do. But he felt glued to the floor. Uneasy with the idea of strangers in his house, strangers near his Harry. Voices floated in from the hallway, happy, normal voices. Not the kind that should strike fear into Remus’ heart. 

“Well where is he then?” 

It was a voice Remus’ recognized. A voice he both associated with unbearable pain, and unimaginable caring. But it couldn’t be. 

Mads came through the door first, Harry’s hand in hers as he trailed behind. Then Macgonal followed closely her cloak wrapped tightly around her. 

Remus was completely taken aback as Madame Pomfrey walked into his living room. She walked in exactly how she did when she walked into the shack after a full moon. Her eyes were clouded with worry that ran so deep it must have led to caring. But when she finally saw Remus she smiled with a warmth that it cackled more than the fire. 

“Hello dear” She said. 

Remus hesitated for a second, still just so overwhelmed. 

“Hi” 

She hugged him, like this wasn’t odd. Like everyday she walked into the house of a werewolf who she used to care for. How it was possible she managed to encase him in in a hug when she was so much smaller was a marvel to Remus. A wonderful marvel. He hoped this was how Harry felt when Remus hugged him. 

“How have you been love?” She asked eyes searching for any sign of distress. 

“I’m” Remus still felt flustered “I’m good, yeah good”

It was so often a lie. But looking at Harry and Mads in a home he was slowly starting to fall in love with it felt like the truth this time. 

“How are you?” He asked them both ushering them into the room, and settling around the fire. 

“Good” Madam Pomfrey “Missing you around Hogwarts.” She said it like it hadn’t been 5 years, and a war since he had been at Hogwarts. But Remus smiled nonetheless. 

“I hope it is alright that we stopped by” Mccgonal said “Mads invited me around for tea before we head off to family dinner, and when I told Poppy-” 

“Well I had to come and see how my favourite student was” 

Remus apologized profusely for the lack of food but neither woman seemed to mind. They had tea and caught up. Hearing about Hogwarts was painful. It hurt to think about the castle going on without the Marauders. Especially towards the end it felt like the castle hinged on James’ laugh, or his snide grin. But now there were new students who would sit under their tree or sleep in their dormitory. Completely unaware of the miracles that happened there.

“How are you?” Madam Pompfey asked slightly quieter as Mads and Mccgonal started to debate over whether Hogwarts or Beauxbatons had better feasts. 

“You asked me that already,” Remus said with a smile. 

“I know I mean after the Moons?” She said. Remus' eyes darted down to Harry, who had been far too excited by the day's event and fallen asleep in Harry’s lap. 

“I’ve been alright. Mads watches Harry and I go far away so Harry it totally safe. Then I come back the next morning-” 

“I asked about you Remus” She said but she still looked fondly at Harry. “Your health deary”

“I'm okay. Mads she” Remus said smiling “She takes good care of me.”

“I’ve heard good things about her, from colleges at St.Mungo’s.” She said and Remus looked past her. If the blush settled on her cheeks was any indication she could hear them. Remus was glad though. She deserved to know. “If you ever need anything though. You know where I’ll be.” 

All too soon everyone was leaving. Madam Pompfrey was returning to Hogwarts for the feast and Mads and Mccgonal off to their families. He hugged both women despite feeling wildly uncomfortable hugging a stiff Mccgonal. Mads hung back slightly as the other two made it outside. 

“Happy Christmas Harry” She said crouching down and placing a kiss to the boys forehead “I’ll see you soon”

Harry flung himself slightly at Mads. Wrapping his arms around her neck and both of them looked so happy Remus melted slightly. 

“Luv Mads” Harry said. He said it so easily now to almost everyone he met. But at least to Remus, this one seemed special. 

“Love you too Harry” She said shutting her eyes tightly and gripping Harry tight before pulling away. She straightened up, her eyes seeming glassy for a moment. 

“I’m so glad you came,” Remus said. 

“Really?” She replied and it seemed so genuine it hurt. 

“Of course” He hesitated for a moment “Everything's better when you are here.” 

“Happy Christmas Re” She said, placing a kiss on his cheek, before turning and leaving.

~~~

Remus finally felt like he had a routine. 

Harry woke him up every morning. Just like his Dad had. He was lucky Harry had a pretty bland taste in food, so he would be excited to just have toast with honey for breakfast every morning like Remus did. Remus would try and do one thing a day around the house. He try to fix the kitchen sink, or regrout the bathroom. He knew he was working slowly but he wanted to spend his time with Harry. Harry was growing so quickly and Remus didn’t want to miss it. All too soon Harry would be starting in primary school, Remus would need something to do to occupy his time then. In the afternoon, if Mads wasn’t around, they’d either go to the beach or to see Olive and Bowie. She was very pregnant at this point so it was easier to load Harry into the car and visit them a couple villages over. Harry and Bowie would play, Olive would complain, and Remus would watch and listen. Happy to be surrounded by noise in such a wonderful way. Then they’d head home. 

Harry and Remus both shared a love for sleep. By the end of any day Harry would be exhausted nodding off as Remus read him stories cuddled in bed. 

~~~

“Are you going to tell me the truth if I ask you something?”

Remus lay without a shirt feeling very exposed in Mads bed. 

“Are you going to stop talking so I can apply this to your huge oozing wound?” She said waving the bottle of meryl lap essence in her hand. Next to him in the bed Harry rolled slightly his hand slipping off Dug. Harry was taking a nap and insisted on sleep next to Remus. The little boy was far from understanding what happened to his caregiver every month, but he seemed now to know that Remus was hurt. Remus had tried his best to assure Harry that he was fine, but it gave Harry anxiety to be far from Remus in moments like that. 

“I’ll shut up if you tell the truth?” 

“Fine”

“Why did you agree to helping us?” 

She stilled for a moment and when she continued to dab the ointment on his skin her hand was shaking slightly. 

“If I tell you the truth do you promise not to judge me?” She whispered, her voice shaking. 

“I’m in no position to judge anyone, ever” 

“My Dad is really into camping” She whispered, pausing so long that Remus had to interject sarcastically. 

“Yeah definitely judging you for that one.” He said, which to his relief made her smile slightly. 

“We went on this trip. To the Scottish Moors. I was only 7. Hadn’t started at school yet. My older brother had though, Gabriel was at Hogwarts, a Hufflepuff.” 

Remus didn’t say anything though already his mind was swimming with questions. 

“I don’t know much about the Hogwarts house, since I didn’t go. But Aunt Minnie used to say Gabe was the definition of a Hufflepuff. Such he was a sweet boy, loyal, kind, a wonderful big brother” Remus didn’t miss the past tense. “One night he heard a noise. He woke me up. Said that he was going to check because he thought an animal was hurt” She had tears in her eyes now. “I tried to stop him, but he just ruffled my hair and said, I’ll be fine Mads go back to sleep. My parents found him the next morning.” 

“Dead?” Remus whispered but she shook her head “He was bitten?”

She nodded. The tears were running now and she quickly wiped them away. 

“Sorry I don’t talk about him much” Remus had a feeling she never talked about it. 

“It’s okay Mads” He nervously reached out a hand and placed it on hers. She sat on the edge of the bed in awkward combination of close but also still far. But she let Remus wrap a finger around her wrist. “I’m so sorry”

“He was 15” She whispered. “How old were you?”

“5” Remus replied. 

“Oh god I’m sorry. So young” She whispered her voice cracking. 

“It is alright. In a way i'm grateful. I can’t really remember what it was like before. That way I don’t remember what I lost.” He glanced over at Harry, so close to the age he was. He thought of all the things Harry had lost but wouldn’t remember. It hurt a little, to think it might be better not to know James and Lily. 

They were silent for a moment. Both thinking about the things they lost. 

“He was still my brother” She said the tears were running quickly now “He had so much taken from him but he was still Gabe. We’d have these moments where I’d do something and he’d laugh. HIs eyes crinkled in the corner like they always did. He was still him. But life was so hard on him. They’d chain him up for transformation. I could hear him scream. In the morning I’d sneak down and bring him hot chocolate. He’d be covered in blood, and tears. He would always be crying. My parents hid him away. It’s why they sent me to Beauxbatons, farther away. And I left. I just fucking left him there Re”

“It’s not-” He started but she quickly interrupted. 

“It is my fault Remus. It is.” She said “Maybe if I’d been there he wouldn’t have joined” she hesitated again clearly racked with shame.

“Greyback” Remus supplied and she nodded, a small scared nod. 

“He wasn’t a bad person” She cried “He wasn’t. He did a bad thing.”

She was getting hysterical now her whole body caved shaking as she cried.   
“Stop Mads” Remus whispered “He wasn’t bad. He made a terrible choice because he had terrible options.” 

“You didn’t make terrible choices,” She said. 

“I had better options” He thought of his friends, running next to him each moon, fighting for him, lying for him. 

“He is in Azkaban now” Remus wondered if Gabriel was near him. If they could look out from their cages into the other. Remus wondered if it was fair. Gabriel had no one, he'd been attacked and shunned for it. He had so many people who loved him, who trusted him. Yet still he betrayed them. Now they both shared the same fate. 

They were silent for a long time after that. Mads continued to care for his wounds as best she could. Eventually Harry wokeup and Remus read him a book as Mads listened in fondly. They stayed later than they usually did. Remus was scared to leave Mads alone. They had a lazy takeaway for dinner. Things seemed normal, maybe even better, maybe more honest. Eventually though Harry and Remus had to leave. 

“Okay I’ll be down to see you both next week.” She said to them as they stood in the door, clearly no one wanted to leave. “Maybe we can have an ice cream huh Harry?”

Harry was sleepy, resting his head against Remus’ chest, but he nodded anyways. Mads leaned in placing a small kiss to the boys forehead. 

“Love you Harry”

“Love” Was all Harry mumbled in return. 

She looked up at Remus, her caramel eyes swimming with so many emotions it was impossible to pick out just one. 

“It’s not just about Gabe” She whispered, “just so you know. I do this because of Harry, and you too. Because you are both so good”

It felt untrue. And the kiss she placed on his lips felt undeserved. But also so so lovely. 

~~~

“Bowie gets a sister” Harry pouted as Remus unloaded him into the bed. 

They’d spent the morning meeting Olive and Jermey’s new daughter. She was born 3 weeks early, so she was tiny. And managed, unlike Harry, to look so much like both her parents despite how different they were. They named her Capella, after the star. It stung to see something beautiful named in the same way a house of horrors named their children. But Olive and Jermey loved their newborn, in the way they never had. 

Of course it made Harry want a sister. Anything Bowie had Harry wanted. 

“That is different.” Remus said exhausted. He found Dug on the nightstand handing it to Harry. 

“Why?” Harry pouted. 

Remus pulled the photo album from the shelf before collapsing in the bed next to Harry. He wanted to see James and Lily’s face after having seen a lovely new family. He flipped to the photo he’d taken the morning Harry was born, he was snug against Lily’s chest with James watching adoringly. It looked so perfect. Like a bloody advert. 

“See Harry. Your Mum and Dad.” Remus said but Harry was still pouting. 

“Why no sister.” Harry said again, ignoring the book. It broke Remus’ heart a little.

“Harry” Remus sighed the issue was so complex. So hard to explain. And he was so tired. “I think for now it is just going to be us. No brother or sister. I’m sorry.”

Harry looked at him confused.

“Not just Moony and me” He said. “Aunty Mads, Lilibet, Bowie, Olive”

With each person he listed he put a finger up. Remus watched each finger going up and thought about each person Harry said. How without even realizing they had created a little weird family. 

“Yeah,” Remus said, wrapping an arm around his shoulder. “See you don’t need a sister, you’ve got all that.”

“Okay” Harry said, still a little pouty “Moony my favourite though.” 

~~~

“No!” Harry cried “No Moony! No Dug! Won’t stay without Moony or Dug” 

Petunia looked at Harry sobbing in Remus’ arms with distaste. Who looks at a crying child with distaste? Remus looked at him with so much sympathy and guilt. How had he forgotten Dug. It was the single most important thing when leaving Harry for two weeks. Dug protected Harry, at least in his mind. And he needed Dug.

“I’m just going to go back and get Dug,” Remus said, running a hand up and down Harry’s back in an attempt to comfort him. “I’ll be back okay? With Dug.” 

“No go! Moony no go!” Harry sobbed tucking farther into Remus' hands gripping him “Please Moony.”

“ Harry. I wish I could bring you with me but I can't.” Remus said “You need to stay with your Aunt. Hey Harry!”

He pushed Harry slightly off him so he could look at him 

“Remember how we’ve been practicing our numbers?” 

Harry nodded tears still flowing down his cheek. 

“Okay count Harry, it’ll be like you timing me.” Remus said “A game. If I can get Dug and come back before you reach 10 I win, after 10 you win.”

Harry seemed a little distracted by the idea of the game. Which had been Remus' intention. After a moment Harry nodded slightly. 

“One, Two” 

Remus made sure Harry wasn’t touching him at all, pulled his wand from his pocket, and apparated before Harry even got to three. He wished slightly that he could see Petunia’s look of disgust and surprise as he apparated. But he didn’t have time to even think about. He glanced around the room, when he didn’t see Dug he dropped to his knees. Peering under the bed. There in the dark where eyes. They weren’t the exact same as his; they were slightly lighter in shade and smaller than the ones Remus had known so well. But it was still eerie considering they were attached to a black shaggy dog. Remus didn’t dwell on it for more reason than one. He grabbed the dog and his wand scrambled off the floor and turned with a crack. 

“Eleven! I win!” Harry yelled when he sighted Remus. 

“Good job lad” He said, passing Dug over. He felt helplessly out of breath and a little light headed. Any magic made him feel that way since he’d stop using it. But apparating twice in a matter of minutes was too much. He clutched the remarkably clean bannister to keep from toppling over. 

“Moony stay?” Harry said he wasn’t crying now but still he looked at Remus, looked with Lily’s eyes, and begged him. Lily had begged him to stay. Many times. Not as much as him but still she’d hated how often Remus would leave. Remus understood. He’d been gone for weeks, and come back a shell of who he was. If his friends had been doing that as much as he was he would have begged them to stay. But he had to go work with the Werewolves. He was the only one who could. It meant far more time away, far more danger. At the time it felt like he was most likely to be the one who wouldn’t see the war end. 

Remus bent down to hug Harry. He had to keep a hand clutched on the bannister so as not to tip over. Harry, one hand still on Dug, moved closed to him crowding between his knees. 

“No Harry I can’t stay,” He said. Just like he would have to Lily. “But I’ll be back.” 

He had never been able to say that to Lily. Because he never knew if he would be back. 

“I promise”


	3. Four

“Oh great” Vernon said as he pushed open the door “You brought a friend.”

He looked how he always did. Angry, red, and unpleasant. It was almost a relief to have something so consistent. Remus just wished the consistency in Harry’s life wasn’t from an unchanging mustache. 

“Hello Vernon” Remus tried with a polite smile “This is Madeline”

“Very nice to meet you” She said extending a hand which was just scoffed at. 

“Petunia get the boy! He is here!” Vernon said instead, turning back into the house.

“Every bit as sexy as you described” Mads whispered to Vernon’s turned back. If the flash of red across his neck was any indication it was not a quiet enough whisper. 

“Shove it” Remus muttered with a smile. 

He hadn’t described Vernon as sexy, he had however described how easily rung up Harry’s uncle could be. Remus had described many things to Mads over the last two weeks. It had been a very different 2 weeks without Harry this year. He still left like he couldn’t go back to Corner Cottage without Harry so he drove the mini right down to Essex, and knocked on Mads door. She’d been in Pyjamas when she answered, despite the fact it was the middle of the afternoon. 

“Shit Re” She had said at one look, and Remus realized he must look deveasted. He felt it. Felt completely drained, empty except for worry. Which bubbled painfully in his chest. He hated leaving Harry, he despised it. 

“Sorry” Remus said his voice hoarse “I woke you I’ll go” 

“You’re an idiot” She said, placing a hand on Remus’ crossed arms. “I wasn’t. I’m just exceptionally lazy. Come in.”

Her fingers went from resting to gripping. Pulling him by the sleeve into the flat. And he didn’t properly leave until it was time to get Harry again. He slept on the sofa, which made his back ache, but it was better and safer than an alley. Mads would go to work most days. So Remus would cook them dinner, and they would talk. It was just light heart conversation, they’d talk about Harry mostly. Then they’d talk about Mads, her work, her likes, who she was. It felt odd getting to know someone he thought he already knew. But she had layers, deep, and complex, and unexpected from someone who almost seemed like a single layer of exuberance. Remus could feel her working to understand him as well. He hated that he made it hard. But for so long he figured he would just be alone. Figured the only conversations that happened would happen in his head. So no one would ever ask about his childhood, his friends, his time at Hogwarts, because in his head those events were so clear. He managed to give her little pieces, a story about James accidentally turning his hair pink when trying a new spell, or about the bets Lily and him would place on who would hook up at a Gryffindor party, or the night Peter fell asleep with chocolate in his hand and woke up assuming the melted brown substance was shit.

When she left for work she’d kiss his cheek, sending nervous shivers down his spine. The role of gender in a relationship had never been an issue for him before. He’d never felt any pressure to make a move, or “be a man”. Now though he spent so much time wondering what Mads expected from him. But it was still nice, all very kind and gentle. Two people who knew each other, somehow still getting to know each other.

“What do you reckon his Mustache tastes like?” Mads whispered and the hairs on the back of Vernon’s neck stood on end. 

“Listen here-” Vernon turned. His face bright red. But the word got knocked out of his lungs as a happy scream echoed in the house.

“Moony!” Harry raced down the stairs so fast Remus’ worried he’d fall. Remus barely had time to bend down and open his arms before Harry was plumping into them. “Moony!”

Remus’ clutched the boy tightly, Lifting Harry into his arms with ease. The boy kept his face squished against Remus' neck. It was unbelievably warm, and tender. Remus knew one day if Harry was a moody teenager he would think of him like this. 

“Hello there you big 4 year old.”

“It’s my birthday” Harry said, pushing his face harder against Remus' neck.

“I know” Remus said squeezing Harry one last time, before placing him back on the ground “Happy Birthday lad”

“Aunt Mads!” Harry exclaimed, seeming to only just realized she was here. They had there own sweet hug, another happy reunion. 

“Okay Harry let’s grab your stuff.” Remus said ruffling his hair “Then the birthday celebration may begin.”

Harry grinned up at him “I’ll go get Dug!”

~~~

He’d realize too late he should start explaining to Harry what happened to his parents. Maybe he’d hope no one would mention it to Harry until he started school. They were so isolated from so many things, but in the end Remus couldn’t isolate Harry from James and Lily’s death. 

They were round at Olive’s, sitting in the garden enjoying the last feebly September sun. 

“Mum! Look!” Bowie had said, rushing over a jar in hand “I found six snails!”

“Nice job sweetheart” Olive said, smiling at her son, while her daughter fussed in her arms. 

“I got three Moony! But I made ‘em house, with ‘ater and food.” Harry held up his jar and Remus peered in. There was a smattering of leaves and branches hiding the three shiny snails. Remus placed a hand on Harry’s head lovin how sweet Harry was. 

“Why do you call you Dad Moony?” Bowie wasn’t even looking when he asked. His fingers were twirling the lid of jar, apparently ready to release his snails. Remus felt himself flush and panic slightly. He hadn’t exactly had a plan, but a vague idea of how he would tell Harry about his parents. They’d be tucked in Harry’s bed looking over the photo album, seeing James and Lily smile up at them. He’d tell Harry how much his Mum and Dad loved him, try his best to explain why he would never see them again, press a kiss to the top of his head, and tell Harry that he would keep him safe. 

But now with Bowies question floating in the air all that dropped from Remus’ mind. Harry was pushing his way into Remus’ lap now.

“Is not Dad” He said to Bowie a little confused “Is Moony.” 

“Where is your Dad?” Bowie asked, pulling one of the snails from the jar. 

“In the photo album” Harry said easily, no hint of sadness in his voice. 

“What did you name your snails?” Remus cut in quickly. He knew there was a larger conversation to be had. But not in someone else's backyard, while holding a jar of snails, with a baby crying probably, if the stench gave any indication, because she had shit in her diapers. 

~~~

When Harry was four Remus was forced to have the three conversations that he had been dreading. Less than a week later, over a midnight cup of tea he told Mads about his conversation with Harry about his parents.

“He thinks his Dad lives in the photo album.” Remus sighed “I feel like I’ve let James down.”

Mads hmmed slightly sipping her tea. She was uncharacteristically quiet, her eyes flickering almost nervously between his eyes and her tea. 

“And I know I’ll have to talk to him about it. But he is still so little. How do I truly express to him who James and Lily were, and why they are gone.”

He paused again waiting for her to speak. Hoping she would. He wanted to know what she thought, that’s why he’d brought it up. 

“Say something?” He said eventually hoping his voice didn’t sound desperate. 

“Sorry. It’s just” She hesitated holding eye contact now. “You talk about them so little. I don’t want to push it and have you just stop.”

Remus let his fingers wrap a little tighter around the mug, he loved the way the soft warmth felt on his fingers. 

“I’m sorry” He replied loathing the circle of apologizes they seemed to be in. “It’s just hard, to talk about, or think about.” 

She hummed a little again putting her mug down on the table. Remus knew she thought Remus’ judged her for not fighting in the war. She was a little younger than Remus’ so she had been still at the school for much of the war. Maybe in the last couple of years she could have joined, and fought. But it would have meant leaving France, her home at the time, it would have meant quitting her training to become a healer, her dream for so long, and it would have meant fighting against her brother. Remus in no way judged her for this. In fact he was glad. Glad she hadn’t been at all those funerals, glad he hadn’t had to go to hers. 

After everything that had happened with him Remus in no way associated the war with bravery. Mads kindness was more brave than fighting ever had been. 

“It’s hard but it’s not like it was bad.” Remus said aware now his voice was timid “They were my friends, we called ourselves the Marauders.”

Mads let out a small laugh at this.

“Of course you had a bloody name for it.” She said smiling “A group of blokes who reckon their kings of the school with a fucking gang name. You’re a real cliche Remus Lupin.”

Remus found himself smiling at this. In the back of his mind he knew some people found the Marauders pompous, Lily had made that clear for many years, and snivellus had never really joined the fan club. But the way Remus had viewed James and him seemed to cloud his memories of Hogwarts. It was all board shoulders, bright grins, falling into bed after a successful prank, hosting the Quidditch cup, and laughter, so much laughter. 

“So who was in this Marauders then?” She seemed lighter now perhaps hopeful Remus wouldn’t run “You? James? Peter?” She hesitated again ever so slightly and Remus wanted to stop her, he didn’t want to hear it. He couldn’t. “Sirius?”

Sirius Sirius Sirius 

She said it. He’d heard it. The name he hadn’t even been able to think for almost three years. 

Sirius Sirius Sirius Sirius

The name that used to be a beacon of hope. The sound of which made Remus turn his head so suddenly it would hurt his neck. The name that could snap him back to reality, 

Sirius Sirius Sirius Sirius Sirius

The name that he’d moaned, more times then he could count. In Between sharp breaths and groans. It felt like a prayer than a blessing. 

Sirius Sirius Sirius Sirius Sirius Sirius

“Where is Sirius?” He’d said through tears, after returning to a completely different world. A world without Lily and James. Then he thought death was the worst fate for Sirius. Then he thought Sirius’ death was the worst fate for him. He had been so very wrong.

Sirius

His body was so separate from his mind. His mind continued to chant while his body shut down. Sirius had on many occasions made his mind and body stop working. 

Sometimes he’d riled Remus so much he couldn’t think or shout or anything.

Sometimes he’d whisper words so sweet he’d melt, and it didn’t matter than that his body didn’t work because they were one.

Sometimes he’d make him laugh, often he’d make him laugh. It was a game to Sirius. Try and make Moony laugh at the most embarrassing moments. So if Remus ever tried to conduct a Prefect duty or talk to Mccgonal, Sirius would be in the corner of his eye, making rude gestures, trying to slow dance with Pete, or performing charms to make his hair grow until it would brush the floor. And Remus would laugh until tear pricked his eyes and he couldn’t focus anymore. 

“Re” a warm hand was on his, prying fingers away from his tea. “Shit Re, you okay?” 

The words seemed distant, his whole life seem distant. Watching Harry laugh at the waves, with Mads hand steadily in his was reality only hours ago but now it seemed like a different life. The life of a very different person. 

Because now that he was thinking of Sirius the truth washed over him coldly. Remus didn’t exist properly without him. Who was he without the Marauder’s, without James, Peter, and Sirius. All of this was some sick joke. 

“I” Remus started trying to push some of the words swirling around his head to his lips, but he just couldn’t. He suppressed so much. Shoved it all down, so that he could look after Harry. 

Harry.

He rose from his seat around the small kitchen table. The chair scratched against the floor making an awful noise. Far too loud in the quiet kitchen. Remus turned taking the stairs at a brisk walk. He was quiet as he pushed open Harry’s door, not wanting to wake him. Harry had a small moon night light that cast a shadowy glow across the room. So Remus’ could easily make out Harry’s soft features in the light. His face so calm, and relaxed, with no worries haunting his life yet.  
Remus’ took a couple deep breaths. Harry was safe. Sirius would never hurt him. Remus would die before he’d let that happen. He walked over gently moving Harry slightly so he could slide into the bed next to him. Harry stirred slightly, cuddling his body up against Remus’ side. Either knowing it was Remus without opening his eyes, or trusting a stranger in his bed. 

“It’s okay Harry.” His voice automatically calmer than it had been. He wrapped an arm around Harry. He was staying, the rest of the world was filled with memories of Sirius, and all the pain he caused. But not here. “Everything is okay.”

~~~

“I’m glad you're here,” Remus said glancing at where Mads walked on Harry’s other side. Each of them had one of Harry's hands in theirs, and occasionally they’d swing him up into the air. Her eyes crinkled in a smile when she met Remus’ eyeline. 

“I’m glad you invited me. It’ll be fun.” She said. 

“Have you met them before?” Remus asked. 

“Her a couple of times.” Mads said “She’s really gifted at healing spells, always told her she should be a healer. But I guess with all those kids she doesn’t really have time.”

Remus glanced up at the house. It looked a little like it might topple with a strong gust of wind. As they approached they could hear voices, someone was crying, a child, there was also laughter and yelling. Even from the outside it felt like family. 

“Fred get off the fridge! Ginny put your dress back on girl!” A woman's voice carried clearly out the window. “Percy dear can you get the washing off the line?”

They don’t have time to knock on the door before it is being swung open. Percy, Remus assumes, looks them up and down quickly. He is too young for Hogwarts, obviously since the year is in full swing, but he was older than Harry probably around 7 or 8. 

“Mum” He called glancing back into the house “They are here.”

“Hello” Mads said, attempting to create some sort of greeting with the kid “I’m Mads, this is Remus and Harry.” 

“Hi” Percy says without introducing himself. Quickly though he is being pushed aside, by a beaming kind faced woman. 

“Remus dear!” She said pulling him forward into a bone crushing hug “It’s been far too long! How are you?”

She treated him with an unearned familiarity. They had known each other during the war, but not well. Molly’s brother’s had been mentors to James and Sirius, they were older, braver, and Aurours. Exactly the kind of people James and Sirius would idolize. Remus remembers their funeral well. Seeing such confident bold wizards still die had shaken all them, made them feel vulnerable. Sirius had pressed as close to Remus as was allowed while they looked at Gideon and Fabian Prewett’s gravestone. Remus remembers Molly there a baby in her arms, clutching him like she was scared he too would disappear, as she cried. 

“I’m good.” He said a little flustered “Umm Molly I believe you know Mads” He gestured at her and they smiled warmly at each other. “And this is Harry.”

Harry had dropped their hands in favour of hiding behind Remus’ leg. New people still made Harry shy. 

“Hello there Harry?” She said kneeling down to peak at the boy. “I know it’s a bit loud huh?” Harry nodded slightly, still grabbing at Remus’ pant leg. “But don’t worry it’s not scary, I promise.” She extended a hand out to Harry which he nervously took. 

The next little while went by in a flurry. They were quickly introduced to a group of children, all running around so fast that he would never be able to attach the names to the kids. Molly calmly introduced Harry to Ron.

“You’ll be in the same year when you boys head off to Hogwarts” She said, Harry still clinging to her hand. “Ron why don’t you show Harry the Gnomes.” 

Harry and Ron took to each other easily. Making the kind of quick friendship that was limited to childhood. Easy and close, in seconds. 

“Let’s grab a cup of- George if you throw that vase I’ll take your arms off- tea.” Molly said watching with a smile as Harry and Ron trotted together into the garden. She noticed the hesitation on Remus’ face at the thought of leaving Harry. “Don’t worry Percy’s out there, he’ll keep an eye on them. And we can bring our tea out in a moment.”

“It’s a lovely house Molly.” Mads said, as they followed her into the kitchen.

“Thank you” Molly said bustling around the kitchen, putting water on, pulling out biscuits “It’s quiet around here now with both Charlie and Bill off at Hogwarts.”

Mads and Remus shared a look at this, both wondering this could possibly be quiet. 

“Arthur wishes he could be here. But he got pulled into work. Some wizard in Norfolk enchanted a furnace to sing that muggle song ‘disco inferno’. Everytime you add wood to it goes burn baby burn. Can you believe what some people will do.”

Remus nodded trying to seem agreeable while Mads tried to cover her laugh with an unconvincing cough. 

“Thank you so much for having us.” Remus said, attempting to change the conversation politely. 

“Oh it is no problem. We were happy to hear from you.” She looked at Remus’ inquisitively. “I tried to talk to you at the funeral but you left so quickly.

Wouldn’t you, Remus thought, with all that shame. 

He didn’t know what to say to that so he just nodded, pulling on the sleeves of his cardigan. He selfishly wished that Mads would know that meant he was nervous, wished she knew to just take his hand or change the conversation. It was unfair, but he wished it anyways. 

“Is there” Molly hesitated slightly not making eye contact “Any particular reason you reached out now?” 

“Thank you” Remus said, taking a mug of warm milky tea. He would have liked some sugar in it but he didn’t say that. “It’s just Harry’s never really around any magic folks, or magic in general. Besides Mads of course. And I’ve just been thinking about easing him into the world.”

It was a slow transition on many fronts for him and Harry. Slowly they were letting more people. Slowly they rediscovered magic. Slowly they began to talk, began to tell the truth. 

“Well we are glad to have him. Anytime.”

“Mum! Freds trying to climb the clothes line again.” 

~~~

Mads arrived for Christmas on the 24th and didn’t leave until New Years day. She slept in Remus' bed with him. It was nice, waking up in a warm bed. They’d lock the door each next and press close. Quietly pushing their relationship into yet another dimension. It was loving, sweet, and simple. More than Remus every thought he’d have again. 

After they were done, he’d get into his pajamas and unlock the door. Incase Harry needed them in the night. 

Harry seemed to pay no mind to them sharing a bed. And on Christmas morning threw his small body in between them pushing until they all tumbled out of bed. They opened presents. Remus decided to focus his presents on books; Padington, the Chronicles of Narnia, Whinnie the Pooh. Harry, to Remus delight, seemed to be falling in love with stories, and loved when Remus would read to him each night. Mads got Harry piles of toys, some of which were technically from Father Christmas. 

“Time for Re to open one, hey Harry?” Mads said with a delighted smile. “Why don’t you give him the one you got him.”

Harry jumped up his place on the sofa and rushed over to the tree. Retrieving a beautifully wrapped box with sheer red paper and a silver bow. He knew looking at it there was no way Harry had wrapped this himself. 

“For Moony” Harry said passing it over “I love you”

Remus’ couldn’t help but chuckle at this, pulling Harry and the box into his lap in one fluid motion. 

“Thank you Harry. I love you too” He dropped a kiss to the boys temple “Can you help me unwrap it.” 

Harry didn’t need any more prompting, and was quickly pulling off the paper. Remus expected the gift to really be from Mads but as he opened the shoe box behind the paper he was pleasantly surprised. 

“Harry” Remus said delightedly, pulling out a small clay figure from the box “Did you make this?”

Harry nodded looking incredibly proud of himself. “Last Aunt Mads day. Is us.” Remus couldn’t really tell what it was, it mostly looked like 3 blobs, a shorter one in between two taller ones. “Moony” Harry said pointing at one the taller blobs “Harry” The smaller one “Aunt Mads” 

“It’s amazing Harry’ Remus said grinning over at Mads “Best gift I’ve ever got.”

They’d enjoyed the week in between Christmas and New Years lazily. Remus was aware he didn’t actually have a job, but he tried to keep up a schedule with Harry throughout the year. But for one week that all slipped away. Every morning at some ungodly hour Harry would crawl into their bed, he’d cuddled in between them, quickly falling back asleep. Eventually they’d all wake up, Mads would make Harry a chocolate, and them a pot of tea. They’d walk the beach, read Harry stories, and dance to Remus’ records. 

Bowie had apparently told Harry he was allowed to stay up till midnight on New Years Eve, and though Remus’ didn’t believe that, he told Harry he was welcome to try. By 9 he was curled in Remus’ lap asleep. Remus and Mads talked, quietly without waking Harry, for hours. Only nice things. Highlights from Christmas. Sweet things Harry had said. Their hopes for the new year. 

“Shit Re!” Mads said cutting over a story about how Harry had tried to fix one of Bowie's toy cars by kissing it better. “We missed it”

“Missed wh-” Remus glanced at the clock “Shit.” 

It was 1984. The 80’s were in full swing now. He realized almost all his memories with the Marauders were in the 70’s, and the decade was fading so quickly. All the music and culture of his youth was disappearing so quickly. And now everyone wore tight neon colours and danced to songs he didn’t even know. Remus felt he’d never leave the 70’s, not really. Harry would be at Hogwarts in the 90’s and probably try to explain whatever trends were going on to him. But he would still listen to his records, and dress as he always had. Maybe Harry would tease him, with the kind of loving chirp you got from your family. Remus wouldn’t mind that.

“I wanted to kiss you at midnight” Mads said as she scooted slightly closer on the sofa. 

“Well better late than never.” Remus said, attempting a koi smile, that he was sure was unpleasant to look at. 

She leaned careful across Harry, whispering “Bonne année mon amour” Before kissing him quickly. 

Harry stirred in his arms at the slight change in positions, eyes blinking open. “Yuck”

~~~

The second unpleasant conversation had the ever so slight benefit of being planned. He waited for a night were Harry climbed into bed sleepy but not so tried he would immediately fall asleep when Remus started talking. 

“Photos!” Harry said excitedly as Remus pulled down one of the leather bound books. “Dug loves Mum and Dad.”

Harry had the dog pulled against him. His fingers wove in between the fur gripping tight. Remus hated it a little, but he was glad Harry had his favourite toy with him for this. Even if the toy was still a little bone chilling.

“Yes Harry and I wanted to talk to you about that.” He sat on the bed leaning back against the wall, Harry cuddled up against him. He opened the photo album placing it careful on his lap, where Harry would have a good view. It was alarming every time to see James and Lily smiling at him. It was nice but a hollow nice knowing he would never truly see them smile again. “You’re Mum and Dad don’t live in the photo album.”

He wasn’t sure Harry was listening, his small fingers were tracing along Lily’s hair. So gently, so fondly. 

“Harry” He said again, trying to get his attention now. Harry turned slightly looking up at him. “Harry” He said more softly. He looked so like James. Remus tried to ignore it most of the time. He wanted to allow Harry to be his own person, not living in the shadows of someone he’d never know. And there were parts of Harry that were unique to him. He was quieter, and shyer than James was. Maybe that was age, Harry was so little. But Remus could only imagine James loud and charming. “Harry how old are you?”

Harry smiled brightly, as children always did when they were asked how old they were. He held up his fingers “Four!”

“So do you know what happened four years ago?”

Harry shook his head curiously. 

“You were born, and when you were born you made your Mum” He said placing a finger over Lily “And Dad” A finger over James “So incredibly happy.”

“Really?” Harry asked peering back at the photo “Were they in the photo album?”

“No” Remus said, petting a hand through Harry’s hair. “They were with you. You’re Mum and Dad were with you. They held you. You were so little Harry. And your Dad said it was the best day of his life, your Mum said you were perfect.” 

Remus and Sirius had teased them slightly at all the cliches they gushed over their new baby. That was until they held him. Sirius had looked down at Harry, and sworn. 

“Padfoot!” James had exclaimed, “he has only been alive 2 hours and you’re already teaching him curse words.” 

“Sorry” Sirius had muttered unable to look away from Harry “It’s just, fuck, he’s..”

Remus had placed a hand on his lower back, partly to calm him, partly because he wanted to be close. Close to all of them. Savour this moment for all the hard ones still to come. 

Now he lay so close to Harry and so very far from the rest of them. He wished Harry could remember that moment. Remember how the room felt, filled with so much love its warmth tingled the tips of your fingers. Though that would come with the curse of knowing how quickly that love would go. 

Some by choice. Some by force. 

“And Harry” Remus said, trying to keep his voice calm and sweet but also not let the emotions overwhelm him. “You’re parents, Mum and Dad, they don’t live in the photo album.”

“Where do they live?” Harry asked, eyes still trained on James and Lily in the photo. Each had one hand wrapped around the other, while they waved with the other. 

What words existed in the english language to explain death to Harry? 

He knew death so well, far too well. But his familiarity only made everything harder. How could he possibly both shetler Harry and tell him the truth. 

“Harry” He had said his name over and over now, but it brought him a small comfort. A reminder that Harry was still here, still safe. “Harry, our bodies don't last forever. At some point they stop working. And that’s what we call dying. That is what happened to your Mum and Dad.”

Harry didn’t say anything for a long moment. His face didn’t seem sad, or angry. His small fingers touched the photo. 

“So Mum and Dad live nowhere?” Harry said. He wasn’t sobbing. There wasn’t even a trace of sadness in his voice. How children processed things blew Remus’ mind. How was the boy who he’d spent half an hour coxing off the floor yesterday because the block tower he made fell over, approaching death so cavalierly. 

But Harry had a whole life ahead of him. He would grow into his grief. Harry would think of Lily and James for a moment when he boarded the Hogwarts express. At his wedding he’d wonder what his parents thought about his bride, or groom. When he held his own kids in his arms he’ll mourn their loss of Granny, and Grandad. 

“Yes. They live nowhere.” Remus’ had read not to say things like ‘there in a better place’ to a child when explaining death to a child because it was overwhelming to them. And frankly to Remus it seemed untrue. They were gone. The only reminisce left of them was smiles in a photo album, and the four year old tucked against his side.

“Will Moony dying?” 

The vocabulary was still missing to Harry, and his struggle to understand the concepts and the words was painful to watch. 

“Not now Harry” He said unsure of whether or not he should lie. 

Harry sat for a long moment. Eyes wandering over the photos before careful flipping the page. It revealed a whole new selection of snippets from James, and Lily’s lives, from all of their lives. They didn’t even know how lucky they were. It had felt like the happiness they had would never go away. It was so naive. But Remus couldn’t bring himself to regret it. If he lived with the knowledge of what their future held all the joy would have been drained from their youth. 

“Mum and Dad loved you very much Harry” Remus whispered into the top of his head. 

“Luv Mum, luv Dada” 

~~~

Harry grew a very sudden and deep attachment to the photo album after that. He took to carrying it around Corner Cottage with him, and sleeping with it tucked under the pillow. He showed Tod and Dug every photo, even explaining to them how his Mum and Dad loved him. Remus had no idea if the attachment was healthy, but he couldn’t blame Harry. 

“Harry bedtime was half an hour ago,” Remus said. He had left Harry tucked into bed at 7pm, like he did every night. But as he went back down stairs and started the dishes he’d heard Harry’s small feet patter across the floor. Remus had assumed Harry was grabbing the photo album and now as he saw Harry peering at it almost longingly, he knew he was right.

“Wanted to say Goodnight to Mum and Dad” 

Harry sat on the floor, the album open in front of him. Tod was sitting on one Harry’s shoulder and Dug was tucked under his other. He looked almost comical. His black hair spiked, his greens eyes wide. The toad made a ribbit. 

“Okay, well say Goodnight” Remus said crossing over the room and kneeling next to him, trying to gently matt his hair down gently “And then bed.” 

“Whose this?” 

It was finally here. It felt selfish that Remus had been dreading this moment more than when he would have to explain death to Harry. But as he peered at the blue eyes that had taken a deep hold of his soul, he knew this was the more difficult battle. 

Lily and James had died. They had died as heros. They had died protecting Harry. They had died and saved Harry. Remus was able to look at them and know that. And even in life this had been a possibility. So now, with many deep breaths, and Harry in his eyeline, he could focus on the good, and remember them fondly. 

Sirius was a different story. It made sense. Sirius had always been a different story to Remus. He just never thought the story would end like this. 

“That is a friend of your Dads” Remus heard his voice say. He hadn’t let his eyes linger too long on Sirius whenever he showed Harry the photo albums. But now he couldn’t deny himself anymore. There he was. Grinning, one arm wrapped over James’ shoulder, the other over Peters’. Back when he wore his red and gold Gryffindor tie so loosely around his neck so Remus could easily pull on it when he wanted a kiss. Back when his tanned skin was not littered with tattoos, but smooth and unblemished. Back when the grin was uncomplicated and consistent. “We all went to school together.”

“Was Moony friends with him?” Harry asked seemingly not sensing the distance in Remus’ tone “Like me and Bowie?” 

Remus thought of how Harry trailed after Bowie, copying his actions, looking up to him so much. In a way it reminded him of Peter. Peter who chased after them at school desperate to be included. And then chased Sirius to his death, desperate to avenge his friends. But in school when Peter had trailed after James and Sirius it wasn’t exactly mutual. That stung a little now. That the rest of the Marauders had ignored him, when he so quickly would die fighting for them. Bowie loved Harry, just like Harry loved him. He just showed it a little different. Bowie was louder, and bolder than Harry. He pushed Harry to be the same. Brave, even at four. 

A couple years ago it would have reminded Remus of a young version of Sirius. So brave, and making those around him braver by simply being. Not anymore. 

“We used to be.” His voice still seemed to be speaking separately from his mind. 

“Moony misses his friend” Harry’s sweet phrase seemed to snap Remus back to where he was. It wasn’t exactly a question.

“No Harry. I don’t” Remus really didn’t know if this was true or not. If he did miss him that feeling was buried under all the anger, heartbreak, and betrayal.

“Moony mad?” Harry asked “Like at the shops.”

Earlier that day, Harry had snuck off at the store while Remus had got distracted by Lilibet. A flash of panic had taken over Remus’ whole being when he realized Harry was no longer standing next to him. His mind, as it so often did, jumped to worst as he called out Harry’s name in the store to no response. Lilibet had said he was overreacting which almost had him screaming, about how many people would want Harry dead, about how close Remus had been to losing him already. But at that moment he spotted Harry ducked low grabbing at his favourite box of cereal. 

“In the store I wasn’t mad” Remus' heart hurt a little at the association “I was just scared. I didn’t know where you were. Nothing matters more in this world than you being safe Harry, so I always have to know where you are.” 

Harry nodded. They had been over this already. A very shaky nervous Remus had sat Harry on his lap in their living room, brushing a hand up and down Harry’s back to calm them both, and explained to Harry why he must never sneak off. Harry didn’t fully understand, and he wouldn’t until he was much older. But it was all Remus could do for now.

“Is Moony scared for his friend, like at shops?” 

Harry’s ability to ask a million questions was usually a sweet symptom of his youth. Now though, Remus wished he would just close the book and curl up in bed.

“No Harry” Remus said, the exhaustion clear in his tone. Remus had been the best lair in the Marauders. He used to tell the others it was because he was the only one who wasn’t a complete idiot. So when a Prefect would corner them, or a Professor would ask why all the Slytherins book bags and quills were stuck on the ceiling, it would be Remus’ job to come up with a quick excuse. It worked until their reputation began to proceed them. So Remus wasn’t entirely sure as to why now he struggled so much to lie to Harry. What about such a small boy made all the lies die on his lips. “I am mad at him. Not you, never you but him.” 

Remus knew that unconditional trust was what got him into this situation, so laying it all out again and trusting Harry could ruin him. But he also knew this little verison of James, who had trusted his friends so deeply, would never make him feel the way Sirius had. 

“Maybe Moony needs to talk his friend” Harry closed the book and reached his arms out to Remus, who lifted him up. “Like when Bowie broke my toy train, and Moony said we should talk. Bowie said he was sorry. Remember Moony?” 

“Yes Harry.” Remus said pulling back the covers on Harry’s bed, but Harry made a protesting noise. “You wanna sleep in bed tonight?” Harry's small head nodded against his chest. So he turned around and made his way to his room. It was small and sparsely decorated with a bed pushed against the window, but it felt like home when Harry was in it. 

“Maybe your friend is sorry” Harry let a little yawn as Remus laid them both down on the plaid duvet. 

“Maybe” 

“You should ask him” 

“Go to sleep Harry”

“Moony needs to see his friend, tell friend how he feels.” 

~~~

“I don’t want to wear them.” Harry said holding the small frames in his hands. 

Remus sighed, trying to hold his cup of tea steady as lowered himself onto the sofa next to Harry. “They’ll help you see better Harry. It is important.” 

“Bowie doesn’t wear glasses.” 

Remus had started to suspect Harry needed glasses a couple months ago. He rubbed his eyes constantly, he’d squint, and perhaps most glaringly he was James’ son. So today he drove Harry into town and took him to the eye doctor. The appointment was free, but he’d had to pay for the glasses. Remus’ bank accountant was so nearly empty. 

“Bowie might not, but you know who did?” Remus asked. This peaked Harry’s interest and he looked up at Remus. “Your Dad did.”

“Really?” Remus melted a little at how excited Harry looked at this. 

“Yes, we can look at the photos later. He wore them all the time, and they looked just like this.” He tapped the frames Harry still had in his hand. “He would lose them all the time, they’d slip off his nose when he laughed, and your Mum used to say it was the only part of him that was dignified.” 

“Digni-” Harry tried. 

“Fancy” Remus said with a smile. He heard a light tap on the door signally that Mads was here. So he stood up going to answer it. “You’d look just like your Dad if you wore them. But it’s up to you.”

Remus’ heart warmed as he saw Harry slip the glasses on from the corner of his eye. 

~~~

“I’ll be back in two weeks,” Remus said. Harry was big enough now to wrap his arms around Remus' neck, as Remus crouched next to him. When he first left Harry here he’d hadn’t even been three yet. He’d still stumble when he walked and call him Mooy. “I’ll miss you Harry.”

“No go Moony” Harry said, pressing his face into his neck so his words came out slightly grabbled. “I no like here. Moony stay or I go with Moony.” 

This was the first year that he had dropped Harry off and he remembered this place. This was certainly not making things any easier. God what he would give to whisk Harry away, keep him close. A small envy burned at the idea Petunia, of all the people in the world, could keep Harry safe in a way he couldn’t. 

“You’ve got Dug Harry, and Tod” It had taken a bit of convincing and some very angry huff about what the neighbours would think, but Remus had convinced them to let Harry keep the toad with him for the two weeks. With the promise he wouldn’t take it outside. As if he recognized his name Tod let a small croak out from Harry’s shoulder. 

He pulled away from the embrace, and looked at Harry. He memorized every detail of his face. Partly because he was leaving him for two weeks. Partly because he knew soon he would need to remember something good, as all the bad was pushed forward in his mind.

“I love you Harry” 

“Love Moony.”

And Remus savoured those words, as he left Number 4 Privet Drive. He savoured them as he pulled the papers out of his robes. It had been a long process to get them approved, giving him so many chances to back out. And he almost did, everytime. But now he could read the word approved, printed like a red stamp across the top. He found a quiet place, and apparated. He went through processes already feeling like a ghost of himself. 

For Harry, and James, and Lily, and Peter. 

It wasn’t for Remus. It wasn’t for Sirius. It wasn’t to give Sirius a chance to explain. Or Remus any sense of closure. For neither of those things were possible. Remus did it because Harry’s words had floated around his mind on an unending loop. 

“Moony needs to see his friend, tell him how he feels.”

Harry meant it for sweet reconciliation. That Remus might find closure, or friendship. But it warped in his mind. And now to Remus it meant he had to go. 

Harry seemed in so many ways unknowingly making Remus better. At first the changes were large and obvious. He stopped drinking, stopped smoking. He bought a bloody house that he fixed up. That was all work, hard but purposeful. And all for Harry. The surprising thing was that after all the big changes Harry continued to morphe Remus into a better person. 

Remus was more open, far more open, then he ever thought he’d be again. They had friends, a community of people, who loved them. Both of them. Harry had done that. Harry was making Remus accept magic back into his life. Forcing him to accept that it wasn’t magic that built them or broke them, but merely a pawn in all of it. Harry was making Remus face so many of his fears. And in a way he felt he owed it to the boy to face his greatest fear. 

But all thoughts of Harry vanished from his mind, when he stepped off the boat. He’d seen dementors during the war, even casting a couple of weak patronuses. He’d thought of the first moment he’d seen his friends transform into their animagus. The way it made him fully realize for the first that he wouldn’t be alone forever. But now all he could think about was the moment he unlearned that. 

He followed an escort down an aisle of cells. Trying not to make eye contact with anyone. But he could hear them. It was deafening. Remus couldn’t tell what was crying and what was laughter, or which was worse. All of it was the incoherent ramblings of someone who lost their mind. It felt like the longer he walked the colder it got. A bone chilling cold that sunk quickly below the skin. 

The gruff man leading him made a sudden turn and suddenly stopped. Remus’ briefly wondered of this man’s life, showing people to cells in Azkaban, possibly if not probably losing his own mind in the process. 

“This one.” He said “I’ll be over there.” And then he marched off briskly. 

Remus took a breath, though it didn’t help, the air was too stale and cold. 

Sirius Black was, in some ways, exactly how he always had been. Eye’s piercing, hair long, and broken. He had always been broken. 

In other ways he was unrecognizable. He sat with his back pressed against the stone on the side of his cell, knees tucked up to his chest. It made him look vulnerable, in a way Sirius had never been. 

The biggest difference was his hair. Even thinking that seemed silly to Remus, hair should not be such a defining quality. But it always had been for Sirius. It was his first big rebellion. He had to get an older student to enchant it for the summer between first and second year, so his mother wouldn’t cut it. And maybe that's why it became such a key part of Sirius, a reminder of the rebel that he was. Whatever the reason Sirius kept it long, and it began to entangle Remus’ mind as well as half of Hogwarts. It was always clean, wavy, and beautiful. Remus’ had spent hours of his life imagining what it felt like to have the strands between his fingers. 

But not now. Now his hair stuck to his face, matteed with years of dirt and decay. He used to spend hours lovingly tending to his own hair, but now it looked like it hadn’t been washed since James was alive. It had become too long, without Remus to trim it. And the length no no longer looked rebellious but unkept, and uncared for. 

He was already looking at Remus, probably having heard the footsteps, with the same eyes, yet also the eyes of a stranger. For a long moment, neither said everything. 

The dementor made all the space in Remus’ mind flood with all the worst memories of Sirius. Not just Halloween 1981, though that was certainly there. But also Sirius' face when he told Remus’ about sending Servus into the shack. Everytime a pang was sent through Remus’ when dealing with the shame Sirius felt for wanting him. All the times Sirius’ voice had yelled at him during the war, with hot angry tears in both their eyes. 

“Remus” His voice was hoarse like it was the only thing he had said in months. It probably had been. But besides that it was completely empty, with no trace of anger, longing, hope or anything.

“Sirius.”

The shock of seeing Sirius had distracted Remus for a moment but suddenly and eerily it became clear that Sirius wasn’t mad. He couldn’t know yet if Sirius was completely sane, but in comparison with the other cells, he seemed self possessed. Aware of who he was, and who Remus was. 

“Why now?” 

“Harry” 

“Of course he is with you. I wondered, I knew you’d fight against it, say he deserves better. But of course in the end you’d take him.” Sirius didn’t make any move to stand. And Remus was glad. If he was any closer the bars would be so present. 

“If you ever try to hurt him, if you ever even come near him, I’ll kill you.” It was harsher than it might have been without the dementors but it was true. Remus had thought about it often, what he’d do for the boy, And the slightly scary truth was, that there were no limits. He’d do anything to protect Harry. 

If Sirius was bothered by the statement he didn’t show it. 

“I know Moony.”

“Don’t call me that!” Remus spat it, angier flaming in his gut. Harry was the only person who had called Remus that in years, and with Lily, James, and Peter dead Remus wanted Harry to be the only person to ever call him that ever again. 

Sirius did seem slightly bothered by this. Digging his bare toes into the loose dirt. 

“How is Harry?” Sirius asked, Remus hated hearing his boy's name in the mouth of the man who took everything from him. 

“His parents are dead.” Remus said his voice stony “Because of you.”

“Re-” Sirius start but the angier that flamed a moment ago was still present, and burning. So Remus interrupted him. 

“I didn’t come to hear your excuse. I don’t care if you were scared. Because we were all scared, fuck we were terrified. But James and Lily would have died for you in a heart beat, and fuck you Sirius because I would have to. Without thought or hesitation.” Remus’ had been drinking a cocktail of devastation, depression, and anger for four years, and now he was drunk on it. Spitting his words at Sirius, like in someway it might make it better. “So I’m here, because I couldn’t back then when I thought you took everything from me. I was too scared, too weak, too broken. But now I have Harry, I have a life back. So I came to look at you. To get this over with, so that I can be the best I can be for him. So in years from now when he has questions I can tell him, I saw you, and told you that you lost. Because you will never get Harry, he who must not be named will never get Harry.”

It was unnerving how easily Sirius held eye contact. He didn’t even flinch when Remus cursed at him. 

Remus should leave now, he knew that. He’d said his piece. He’d done what he came to do but something kept his feet locked in place.

“Is he happy?” Sirius said, eyes warming slightly which was incredibly unsettling. 

“He” Remus started unsure of what to say, or what Sirius wanted to hear. Did he want to know that Harry was miserable, as some last pit of vengeance. A couple years ago he would have thought this impossible, but a couple years ago he would have thought none of this was possible. Or maybe there was a part of the Sirius he knew left, who wanted his Godson to be happy. This somehow seemed equally impossible. The Sirius he had known must have been one big lie, because his Sirius never would have done this. “He doesn’t have James and Lily, but yes. He loved, and he is happy.”

“Good.” Was all Sirius said finally looking away. Remus followed his eyeline to Sirius' hands. His nails yellowed, with dirt beneath them. They used to be beautifully manicured. They used to hold Remus’ own so gently. “Can I see a picture?”

“No.”

Remus knew this was the time to leave. They had nothing left in common. Nothing more to say to each other. 

“Bye Sirius.” He said voice cold, and turned to walk away. His escort seemed to notice, turning and facing him as he approached.

Sirius’ voice is quiet but firm. A desperate lie. “I didn’t do it Moony.”


End file.
